There's nothing wrong with having options, or is there?
Is dating multiple people at the same time dishonest, sleazy, and flat-out wrong? Or is it healthy, maybe even a smart thing to date multiple people in your quest to find a soul mate?
I’ve been asking myself this a lot lately. Mainly because I haven’t been dating anyone else other than Older Guy for a nearly a month now. We’ve had five dates in 3.5 weeks and we’re getting along really well but whereas I know he hasn’t been back onto Plenty of Fish since we met (1. he told me and 2. whenever I log in I can see his last log in date) I’m still going online and reading my messages at least two or three times a week. I’ve been feeling a little guilty about this. But why? That’s his choice, right? He’s not my man. We’ve not talked about ‘being exclusive’ or anything.
*Sidenote: For those who have asked, yes things are still fine with Older Guy. We talked about my reservations, and although not in complete detail, he’s now had a brief overview of my past experiences and why I’m being cautious. He’s fine with it, he totally understands and is generally being great about everything. I’ve seen him twice since my freak out the other weekend; we’ve been to the cinema to watch Inception (awesome film, fyi) and had a DVD night in at his place. Yes my dears, I’ve now been to his flat! He made dinner, I made him sit through X Factor (tee hee) and then he introduced me to The Matrix, (he couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before). To be completely honest, we’re still having a really nice time together.
However, last week I received a text message from a past date. Someone I went on a few dates with at the end of last year, before The Single Filez really kicked off. Nothing really happened between us. We had gone out a few times but I didn’t feel there was any chemistry. But since then, between recent developments and that Lori Gottlieb book (Marry Him: The Case For Settling for Mr Good Enough) I’ve been thinking about guys from my past. The ones who I may have written off too quickly. The ones who might have turned out to be my Mr Good Enough if I hadn’t had my head stuck in fairytale land looking for Mr Perfect. This dude was one of those guys, so when I received a text asking me to go for a drink – I thought, sure, why not?
Playing The Field
If I’d only been out with Older Guy just once or twice I don’t think I’d feel weird about this, but because we’re spending cosy Saturday nights indoors watching movies, it feels like more. At the end of the day, however ‘cosy’ it feels, he is not my boyfriend. I’m still not even 100% sure I want him to be my boyfriend. So whilst I don’t feel the urge to go out looking, if any other dating opportunities arise, I definitely won’t be turning them down. I just wish I was the type who didn’t feel so weird about playing the field.
There is a part of me that believes unless you have made a commitment to just one person then it’s fair game to date other people. On the other hand, I also believe in treating others how I’d like to be treated. How would I feel if he was dating someone else? If I was really into him, would I even be interested in dating other guys? Am I wasting his time and mine? Should I tell him I’m open to dating others or wait for it to come up? If I did bring it up and he said he wanted us to be exclusive – would I want the same thing? Questions, questions, questions!
What it comes down to is this – after five dates with Older Guy, tomorrow I’m going out for drinks with someone else. Not sure how I’m going to feel. Maybe nothing will happen? Maybe it will just confirm what a good guy Older Guy is? Or maybe…….?
The Single Filez 
I say go for it and dont feel guilty! lol You are not exclusive, so theres no reason to commit yourself only to him until both of you are ready for that.
Just like how you say to treat others the way you wish to be treated, if we didnt talk about being exclusive or even consider ourselves a couple, I would not expect a guy to be devoted only to me. Even if things were going amazingly and I wasnt seeing anyone else, I would still freak out if I knew a guy expected that out of me and feel like hes being controlling.
I really view dating as spending time with someone to see if they are someone you want to be in a relationship with. Until there is a relationship…they are still single. And free to mingle 😉
I hear you girl. It’s funny, we don’t date the same way you guys do in the States. It was Sex & The City that introduced us to the way it’s done in America… I guess it feels harder to put into practice. I’m going to keep at it though. In theory, it makes perfect sense!
“I really view dating as spending time with someone to see if they are someone you want to be in a relationship with. Until there is a relationship…they are still single. And free to mingle” <— I love it!
LoL oh we date in different ways here too… Like in S&TC (as far as I understand it, Ive only caught a few shows) the 4 women have different things they want in a relationship and totally different ways of looking at men.
Ive gotten over huge debates with friends over dating actually! For some, they meet a guy and instantly go into “prove Id be a great gf/wifey” mode, and will cook, clean and do laundry for him by the time theyve been going out for a month, and think Im crazy cause the only guy I ever did that for, I was actually married to. According to them, thats why Im single. According to me, thats why I dont have a bf with free maid service lol!
I agree, I think you should definately date other people until you are sure this guy is someone you want to be exclusive with. I’m in the same situation at the moment, I really like the guy but its moving very slowly (4 dates in 2.5 months!) so I’ve gone on other dates while seeing him, the way I see it it stops me obsessing about 1 guy if there’s a few in the picture!! Good luck on your date tomorrow!
Wow. Honey, 4 dates in 2.5 months? I think I remember you mentioning this guy before. Do you like this guy? Would you like to see him more often? He sounds like a real slow mover, but I guess if that’s what you’re after then it’s okay?
Very true, I can see how that would work, keeping busy with a few, rather than obsessing over one. I like your style!
😉
Would you believe that is a different guy! I finished with one slow guy now looks like I’ve another! I do really like him unfortunately but slowly going off him as he’s so rubbish!! We’ll see!
Playing the field is hard work. No joke. But I also think it’s a good idea. For a couple of reasons (both being hard and good idea)
Why it’s hard:
1. Mostly it’s our self-imposed guilt. I mean shit, I feel guilty just showing a new boy a funny youtube video that Mega Love and I used to laugh at (how’s that for issues :P)…let alone getting it on with one boy (and the other boy pops into your head?) that’s tough.
2. Frankly, it’s hard to invest in two (or more people). That takes effort to be that open. Because just as your opening up to more happiness…you’re opening up to more heartbreak.
3. It just takes up a lot of time. Time that usually takes away from you though, and not necessarily the other boy.
Why it’s a good idea:
1. It takes the pressure off. Suddenly things with Boy A are a little more relaxed and easy going because Boy B is taking the pressure off. So instead of being sad that Boy A isn’t calling like every second, you don’t notice because Boy B is also calling.
2. Sow those oats!
3. Lust is powerful. And confusing. Often misleading. Having more than one dating option helps to keep the crazy er…I mean…lusting to a minimum.
4. Umm…obviously it’s good blogging material lol!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS BUT MAKES IT EASIER TO SEE…HERE’S MY PIECE BY PIECE ANSWERS TO YOUR SELF-QUESTIONS
There is a part of me that believes unless you have made a commitment to just one person then it’s fair game to date other people.
IT IS
On the other hand, I also believe in treating others how I’d like to be treated. How would I feel if he was dating someone else?
SURE IT IS HURTFUL KNOWING SOMEONE IS DATING ANOTHER SOMEONE BUT THEN AGAIN, IF HE IS TO BE “YOUR GUY” ISN’T IT BETTER THAT HE SOWED SOME OATS AND KNEW WHAT WAS UP NOW THEN IF HE IS RUSHED (OR RUSHES HIMSELF) AND LATER REGRETS IT AND WANTS TO DO SOME SOWING AFTER YOU’VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A FEW YEARS?
If I was really into him, would I even be interested in dating other guys?
YOU MIGHT BE…YOU MIGHT NOT…USUALLY IT HAS LESS TO DO WITH THEM THAN IT DOES WITH WHERE YOU ARE AT…AND HONESTLY…FEELINGS ARE FICKLE…NOT RATIONAL…SO THEY’RE NOT ALWAYS THE BEST INDICATOR WHEN YOU’RE CAUGHT UP IN THE LUSTY TIMES
Am I wasting his time and mine? Should I tell him I’m open to dating others or wait for it to come up?
DEFINITELY WAIT TO SEE IF IT COMES UP (SEE MY POST ON WHITE LYING IF YOU NEED FURTHER PROOF :P)
If I did bring it up and he said he wanted us to be exclusive – would I want the same thing?
PERSONALLY I SAY WAY WAY WAY TOO SOON TO BE EXCLUSIVE…WHY THE RUSH…IF YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO DATE OTHER PEOPLE DON’T…PLUS IT LOOKS AS THOUGH HE’S PROBABLY NOT ANYWAY…NO NEED TO RUSH THE SITUATION…
One thing I wanna add about dating different guys… Personally, If Im dating more than one guy to see where things go, Im not sleeping with any of them. I do have a friend with benefits, but we have no romantic interest in each other to muck things up so its just sex and keeps my mind clear lol, but Im too emotional to be able to sleep with a guy I do have romantic interest in, but not in a relationship with.
And yeah I have to admit, if a guy was sleeping with someone else when we were just getting to know each other I wouldnt mind, I dont expect hed go celibate while waiting around for me to figure out if I want to take things to that level…
Now its a whole other story if I found out he was sleeping with other women while sleeping with me too…that would bother me *big time*, Id feel like just another notch that he wasnt taking any more or less seriously than whoever else hes sleeping with. That to me is the difference between dating and being a player.
Okay, now to read your post on players…LoL!