Don’t Wanna Be A Player

27 Aug

Multiple Dater = An acceptable way to be a Player?
Let me elaborate a little more on the guy I went on a date with this week. As mentioned in my last post, Multiple Dating – Yay or Nay, he’s someone who I had been out with in the past. It’s quite a complicated little story, so please do try and bear with me…

Who Is He?
I first came across Motion Designer Guy (Seriously dude. I’m starting to struggle to come up with creative names for new guys, but a Motion Designer/Director is what he is, and I happen to think it’s pretty damn cool job to have) last year on dating website, Guardian Soulmates. We exchanged a few messages online and a few text messages too but nothing really happened until a couple of months down the line when I got a text message saying that he’d seen me in photos on Facebook. Get this; we only used to work for the same company and knew lots of the same people. *Cue Twilight Zone music* Spooky coincidence or what?

Turns out that Motion Designer Guy (Designer Guy for short) was a designer at my work place but had left a couple of years before I joined. He had been checking out a mutual friend’s Christmas party photos on Facebook and recognised me from the dating website. Once we realised we knew the same people, all of a sudden it became more acceptable for us to go out. Like, okay, you must be kinda cool because we know the same peeps. We first went out for a drink the week before Christmas.

In fact, we went out exactly three times between the end of December and mid-January. He was a nice guy, pleasant, never did anything wrong but… I just didn’t feel any chemistry. Three dates and no kisses, no touching, no meaningful lingering eye-contact moments. I just wasn’t feeling it.

In spite of all of the ‘Mr Perfect vs Mr Good Enough’ preaching I’ve been doing on this blog, I’m ashamed to say that I recently wrote off a perfectly nice enough guy just because after three dates, I didn’t feel any sparks. No tummy butterflies, no hand-holding, hugging. Nothing. I got bored. I thought to myself “this isn’t what I want, NEXT!” but the thing is, I didn’t know how to tell him that. I didn’t know how to tell him I wasn’t interested. In fact, I may have gone quiet on him. I never ignored him or anything, but I did become ‘busy’ when he suggested meeting up. After awhile, I didn’t hear from him anymore. I’m disgusted. That’s not who I want to be. I’m disappointed to have to say, I did what guys have done to me. (Except, my excuse is, guys have done it to me after months whereas I did it to him after a few dates). I played the dreaded ‘fade’ move. *Hangs head in shame*.

Months later, I bumped into him in the office. He had popped by to see someone. It wasn’t awkward. We spoke, we connected and got back in touch, hence last week’s text message inviting me out for a drink.

The Positives
– I knew him and knew we had friends in common
– I liked his style, his dress sense, his physique
– He’s a nice guy, pleasant to talk to

The Negatives
– There was absolutely no chemistry, nothing at all, no reason to get even remotely excited about, even after three dates

The Date
I went into this thinking ‘you never know’.Was I too hasty last time? Did I misjudged things with Designer Guy? I mean, he text me and asked me out after all of this time for a reason, right? Ummm, the answer to all of the questions above was a big, fat NO. Nothing had changed. He was lovely enough, conversation and laughter flowed but even though I liked the way his body looked in his clothes (I’m a sucker for a good physique) and even though I liked it when he rocked up wearing his motorcyle gear (biker jacket and helmet, I mean how and when did that look become so hot?), even with those things – I still wasn’t feeling anything there.

During the evening, while showing my date something on my phone (probably Foursquare or something else suitably geeky), Older Guy called. Literally, Motion Designer Guy was looking at my phone and Older Guy’s name flashed up. My heart stopped and I stuttered. It was one of those moments where, if I was white, I would’ve gone red! The slight panic I felt inside told me that I really wasn’t born to be a player multiple dater. Why the hell did it feel like I was cheating??? I managed to change the subject and sweep the incident under the carpet. Another awkward part of the evening was when Designer Guy called me out and confronted me about why I went quiet on him before (radio silence, he called it). The only thing I could do was apologise and blame it on being busy. I seriously felt bad about it and seeing as I’ve since had a text from Designer Guy asking me to go see a movie with him next week, I need to face up to it and do the right thing.

Even though we’ve never (not even a little bit) talked about anything romance-related, how do I manage Designer Guy’s expectations and let him know I’m only interested in being friends?

(In other news… Date number 6 with Older Guy this weekend. Woooop woooop!)


12 Responses to “Don’t Wanna Be A Player”

  1. lisa August 27, 2010 at 12:07 PM #

    oooh i love it! they all come at once! Lol if you really like older guy then maybe just tell motion guy you have have recently started seeing someone and that its looking like its going to be an exclusive thing….or something like that! lol

    • TheSingleFilez August 27, 2010 at 8:28 PM #

      They really and truly are like buses aren’t they? I’m a bit reluctant to say anything like that, in case things don’t work out with Older Guy. I don’t want to jinx it.

      I know, I’m kinda weird… 😉

  2. Wendi B August 27, 2010 at 2:03 PM #

    Either he’s a very slow mover or he also just wants to be friends. Even though you don’t feel there’s any chemistry, has he flirted with you in any way?

    • TheSingleFilez August 27, 2010 at 8:31 PM #

      The other day he made a “hmmm very nice” comment when he saw a bikini shot of me on holiday and just today when I told him I already had movie (Orange Weds) plans next week, I asked him if there was anything he had wanted to see and he replied “Anything I wanted to see? Yeah, you! Do you fancy doing something else instead of the movie?”

      He definitely seems to be more flirty this time around!

  3. Mary August 27, 2010 at 2:25 PM #

    So excited about Older Guy this weekend!!!
    Just tell Designer Guy that it was really great to see him again after all this time but you’ve actually recently met someone (therefore technically NOT saying you were dating both of them at the same time) and you really want to give it a go with this him…
    Have a great weekend 😉

    • TheSingleFilez August 27, 2010 at 8:34 PM #

      Hehehe, I’m kinda excited about Older Guy this weekend too 🙂

      Urgh, I’m just so rubbish with things like this. I should tell him over the phone but I know I’ll find it uncomfortable. Thing is, I don’t mind hanging out with him, as long as he knows that’s all it is. Whereas I see potential with Older Guy, I don’t with this one. I’ll figure it out!

      You have a fab weekend too sweets x

  4. JohnBoy August 27, 2010 at 9:08 PM #

    Just tell him he’s the bomb on paper (looks, convo, got jokes, got drive) but you feel no chemistry. Tell him in a text and admit you wussed out on telling him in person/phone. He’ll respect the hell out of you if he’s a stand up guy and you’ll feel good about telling the truth. If he then plays the ‘lets be friends’ card you can go see Scott Pilgrim vs The World. 

    The older guy’s presence in the equation is irrelevant (your feeling are the same either way) no need to say anything about it. 

    • TheSingleFilez August 27, 2010 at 9:48 PM #

      Wooo hooo, a man! I love to hear things from a male point of view. I don’t get to hear it enough methinks. Thanks for commenting JohnBoy.

      You know my problem? I hate hurting people’s feelings. But yes, I agree, I will feel better once I’ve told the truth. Especially seeing as he’s starting to get all flirty with me now. I need to nip it in the bud, don’t want to lead him on.

      It’s true. Older Guy isn’t relevant. I felt this way about Motion Designer dude before I’d even met Older Guy.

      Oh… and Scott Pilgrim? Nah love, I was thinking either Salt or even The Karate Kid? Hmmm, we’ll see eh? 😉

  5. Dragonessa Fiore August 28, 2010 at 1:52 AM #

    Dont worry…youre not really a player unless you lead him on or hold onto him “for the moment” knowing youre really not interested in him, while knowing he has that interes in you.

    Best thing definitely is to be honest…I wouldnt go with a text, at least a phone call would be good, and I would tell him something along the lines of you dont think it will work out on a romantic level, but you do have a great time with him and would still like to see him (if thats the case) Yeah, he’ll probably hate being friend-zoned, but at the least, youre being upfront with him.

    Side note on guilt though! I was with a guy and I was showing him pics on my phone when a text from my ex-bf. There was nothing to feel guilty about….feelings were there but none of them were being acted on, but he did call me by his pet name for me and the guy saw it. I wasnt even into this guy, was very casual but I still turned into such a wreck…and I have a *massive* stutter when Im nervous or upset… My nerves so cant handle that LoL! I dont know how players do it…lack of conscious? no soul? I dont know…!! LoL

    • TheSingleFilez September 6, 2010 at 8:15 AM #

      I definitely need to be honest and I definitely need to put him in the ‘friend zone’. I’m just not quite sure how to do it. He’s been calling me a lot more since our date, I think I need to just grab the bull by its horn and tell him. Eeek!

      Haha! I agree, I don’t know how players do it either. They must have nerves of steel.

  6. Something She Dated September 5, 2010 at 4:31 AM #

    I’m totally with Johnboy…it is acceptable and being a wuss and do it over text (because it also saves the dude from having to look you in the face after you just said…not so much eh?)…and honestly I don’t get why people think it hurts less to have your time wasted and THEN find out the same info…OR…to never actually know and be pining away. Just say it. No sparks. You’re awesome. Wanna be buddies? (or not?)

    • TheSingleFilez September 6, 2010 at 8:12 AM #

      Yes, I do still need to deal with this situation. For some reason Motion Designer Guy has ramped up his campaign this time around. He keeps calling ‘to see how I am’ and keeps asking me out which, if I knew I was interested would be all good. I need to stop being ‘nice’ and tell him how I feel. I will, I promise.

      Your comparing me to Trucker Joe was like an awakening. I’m not about to be the one to lead someone on!

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