Too Picky: Why Can’t I Like A Guy Who Likes Me?

22 Dec

Ok, so I already decided that it’s time to get ballsy (still not quite sure where exactly I’m going to get these balls from, but anyhoo) and I’ve already started browsing the interwebs for singles events to attend in the new year but I’ve been thinking, if I’m going to do things differently this time, then I really have to do things differently….

Looking back over my dating life (in particular, my dating life since I started blogging) there have been some terrible disasters, granted. Long time readers will remember huge dating FAILS such as  Pussy Boy and Mr PAYG. But the thing is, there have also been quite a few guys who were perfectly nice. Guys who seemed to like me but, for whatever reason, I didn’t like back. Dates such as Italian Guy, Motion Designer Guy, Older Guy, The Chatty Policeman and most recently T.B. all seemed to be relatively interested in me.

Stop being fussy. Pick one!

This does makes me wonder, do I have the right to complain about the fact I’m not meeting decent men, when in fact I have met men this year? Perfectly nice men in fact. Nice men who like me and who want to see me again, but the feelings aren’t mutual. Men whom for some annoying reason, I just wasn’t ‘feeling’. Maybe my Mum is right after all, maybe I am just too damn picky for my own damn good. Or maybe (unsubconsciously, of course) I suffer from ‘wanting-the-men-I-can’t-have’ syndrome?

Whatever it is, I don’t like it. I need to change this behaviour in 2011. I need to take a deep look at me, the patterns I follow, the mistakes I make, the choices I make and answer the following questions: Am I too unrealistic in what I’m looking for? Am I only interested in the guys who don’t think I’m ‘their type’? Am I punching above my weight? Am I doomed to forever be attracted to guys who don’t realise how wonderful I really am? For fuck’s sake, why the hell can’t I just like a guy who likes me?

So yeah, in 2011, once I figure out exactly how to master my ‘ballsy-ness’, I then need to find a way to get out of the pattern of liking what obviously hasn’t worked for me in the past.  I don’t think it’s going to be easy. This is one I may have to get friends to get involved in.  Friends to help me look out for the fuckwit signs that I always seem to miss.

Failing that, anyone have the number of a great hypnotherapist? I can always get hynoptised into doing things differently and liking the right sort of guys in 2011, surely? ;-p

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36 Responses to “Too Picky: Why Can’t I Like A Guy Who Likes Me?”

  1. Trace December 22, 2010 at 12:12 PM #

    Another great blog! We mustn’t settle, remember what we said, if we settle the perfect guy might come along and it would be too late to do anything about it without hurting lots of people in the process. (just remind me of this in a few years time when its just me and the cats!!)

    Here’s to a fab 2011 with men-a-plenty for both of us 🙂

    • TheSingleFilez December 22, 2010 at 1:02 PM #

      I hear ya hun. I want to try and get the balance right. I don’t want to ‘settle’ for just anything or anyone but I think I need to be less picky/fussy and to be more realistic.

      Well, at least I THINK that’s what I need to do… I’m so clueless when it comes to this stuff ;-(

  2. Persha -DumpedDays December 22, 2010 at 12:16 PM #

    Hi,
    Came across your blog for the first time. Gosh.. I spent more time here than I anticipated 🙂

    I can related a lot to your post. The thing I find most difficult is to draw the line between “waiting for more” and “settling for less”. Sigh.. and usually its not clear cut!

    Cheers
    Persha

    • TheSingleFilez December 22, 2010 at 1:11 PM #

      Hey Persha, thanks for stopping by!

      It’s a hard one. I’ve been waiting for more for FAR too long now, but still I don’t believe in settling for less either.

      Why are these things never easy, eh?

  3. Charlotte December 22, 2010 at 2:53 PM #

    I’ve been feeling this way myself lately. I don’t get it: so many great men out there, so where are they all hiding? I don’t think it means you have to lower your standards by any means, however. It’s all a matter of attraction. It has to be a mutual thing in order for it to work and you’ll never be able to force that in any kind of situation. If you’re going to do any kind of reflecting, then I think you should focus on what kind of man YOU are attracted to and go from there.

    There’s something about a new year that always gets me excited about the possibilities ahead. Enjoy this time being single because you just never know 🙂

    Thanks for the follow! I like what I see here and will definitely return for more! Happy holidays 🙂

    • TheSingleFilez December 22, 2010 at 7:09 PM #

      Hi Charlotte! Thanks for reading and thanks for the follow too 🙂

      You say, “If you’re going to do any kind of reflecting, then I think you should focus on what kind of man YOU are attracted to and go from there.” My problem is, past experience shows I’m attracted to complete and utter asswipes.

      It’s almost like I need to completely re-wire myself to be attracted to different types of guys. Difficult!

      Happy holidays to you too!

      • Charlotte December 23, 2010 at 6:46 PM #

        Ugh, tell me about it. I have the SAME problem! It’s something I need to work on also. But I’m just never attracted to the nice guys, which is just so sad and unfortunate.

        Okay. Let’s toast to an asswipe-free 2011 :p

  4. Jackie Summers December 22, 2010 at 2:54 PM #

    Clearly “nice” men don’t do it for you and that’s fine. Sounds to me like you need a gentleman, as defined by Lana Turner: a patient wolf. Be patient, focus on being suitable prey. And if you’d like some help with the ballsyness, I may be of some assistance.

    Best in 2011.
    JFB

    • TheSingleFilez December 22, 2010 at 7:19 PM #

      Hey Jack. I absolutely adored your ‘Imperfect Gentleman’ blog post. I think you hit the nail on the head. I don’t want an out and out ‘bad boy’, who has the energy for all of that drama? Not me thats for sure. But yes, a gentleman. A man who was brought up correctly, well read, well spoken, well mannered and courteous. But with a little edge. A bit of a rascal, a bit of a scallywag, he has a little ‘sumthin sumthin’.

      As far as the ballsyness – what are your thoughts? Do you think it is possible to change many years of shy behaviour when it comes to the opposite sex?

      • Jackie Summers December 22, 2010 at 9:18 PM #

        I’m naturally shy; as a kid I had a diasthema and a speech impediment. Some are born with balls; others acquire ballsyness later in life (see General D. Eisenhower). First step in being more assertive with the opposite sex? Pure platonic friendships!

        oxo
        JFB

        • TheSingleFilez December 23, 2010 at 9:30 AM #

          Interesting. Particularly because I’ve don’t have any close purely platonic friendships. Explains a lot eh?

  5. Sparky December 22, 2010 at 3:33 PM #

    I think you’ve tried that already with that nice guy you were seeing, you weren’t feeling it but kept at it for a while, just shows that you’re better to go for the guy you really like, its not just you its all us singles, and there’s a lot of us! Happy Christmas!

    • TheSingleFilez December 23, 2010 at 9:35 AM #

      I know hun. You are so right. I guess it’s because I’ve always had bad luck with the guys I really like, so it makes me feel as though there is something fundamentally wrong with how I chose the guys I do like? If that makes sense at all?

      Anyway, wishing you a Merry Christmas too and thanks for being a regular reader and commenter. I appreciate it! x

  6. Nat December 22, 2010 at 5:18 PM #

    That’s interesting. But you have one way to think… Don’t take that as a critic… You think, “I’m too picky so I have to change my attitude and my way to see a relationship”. But in my point of view that is not the problem. You’re not picky, you know exactly what you want to feel… and that’s great… But the thing is you don’t know how to achieve that. So yes you might have an issue, but the issue is not to find the good one, to find the good feeling, but to find a way to let this feeling you want so much to come and grow naturally.

    I don’t want to be a psychologist but I think different things happened things in your life, connected or not, that stops the feeling coming and growing…

    • TheSingleFilez December 23, 2010 at 9:39 AM #

      Hey Nat. Thanks so much for commenting. You have no idea just how much what you said has gotten me thinking about things. In particular, I think you maybe onto something here…

      “So yes you might have an issue, but the issue is not to find the good one, to find the good feeling, but to find a way to let this feeling you want so much to come and grow naturally.I don’t want to be a psychologist but I think different things happened things in your life, connected or not, that stops the feeling coming and growing…”

      • Nat December 23, 2010 at 10:51 AM #

        Anytime, for a real talk and deeper thinking… Have a merry Christmas

  7. Nikki04 December 22, 2010 at 5:28 PM #

    I have definitely struggled with this, too.

    The thing is, both of my longest relationships (ok, six months) were with people who were great (or seemed that way) but I wasn’t feeling it. Both started as fairly casual things, so I felt no pressure to worry about not being 100% INTO the other thing. Then they got serious. For the other person. I still wasn’t, and I knew I never would be. And that was that.

    I agree we should be more open-minded, but I still have to say – sometimes when you’re not in it… you’re just not. Don’t lower your standards, but maybe we should all give more chances than we do…

    • TheSingleFilez December 23, 2010 at 9:59 AM #

      Wow Nikki, you managed to get to six months with guys you weren’t really feeling? At least no-one can say you didn’t give it a chance, eh?

      I’m totally with you on not lowering standards, but yep being more open-minded and giving more chances *might* be the key…

      • nikki04 December 23, 2010 at 3:55 PM #

        It helped that they started out as very non-serious (casual dating/very physical) and they were both people I enjoyed spending time with (one owned a bar… so that may have had something to do with it…).

        I think they became friends with benefits that were just easy to maintain. Probably because they wanted more from it than I did, and just ignored that I wasn’t serious… until they couldn’t any more.

  8. singlegirlie December 22, 2010 at 6:16 PM #

    I hear you, girl. I am the exact same way. Too picky, and I know it. And what can we do about it? I really wish I could go into my brain and make myself attracted to chubby bald men, but I can’t.

    I also can’t stand the word “settle.” Maybe it’s not settling, but instead accepting someone for not being perfect. Hell, I don’t have the answer. It really is a conundrum. But I think being open to new experiences, people, and ideas is a good step 🙂

    • Jackie Summers December 22, 2010 at 9:20 PM #

      Agree with revulsion towards the word: settle. The second you settle for less than you deserve, you deserve what you settled for. Embrace imperfections, understand compromise, but never EVER settle!

      oxo
      JFB

    • nikki04 December 23, 2010 at 3:59 PM #

      Totally agree! It’s not about “settling”. It’s about understanding no one is perfect. You keep an open mind, and with someone who is interesting to you, these things won’t be something you tolerate.

  9. Dean December 22, 2010 at 8:59 PM #

    I think we all ways want more from a partner and at first have a idea of the perfect partner but I doubt that we will ever find such a thing. I also think that men need to mix it up more (me included).. you can not be Mr nice guy or Mr bad Guy all the time…When something unexpected happeans…attraction follows.

    • TheSingleFilez December 23, 2010 at 9:48 AM #

      Hey Dean. You are so right, I think over time though I have let go of the idea of the ‘perfect partner’. I don’t believe in ‘the fairytale’ as much as I did when I was younger!

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting 🙂

  10. notcomplicated December 23, 2010 at 3:44 PM #

    I wish I had some words of advice for you on this – I too suffer from the “everyone I like, doesn’t like me back and guys that like me, I don’t like back” syndrome. In reality – I think I only like complete assholes. Sigh. THe only cure I’ve found is booze. Or is that the cause? Hmmm.

    • TheSingleFilez December 23, 2010 at 10:50 PM #

      The great thing about blogging? It lets me know I am not alone! Everything I complain/worry about… there are lovely chicks all around the world who can relate. Loves it!

  11. Dean December 23, 2010 at 8:37 PM #

    Have you tried speed dating ? This is something I will be looking into in the new year….

    • TheSingleFilez December 23, 2010 at 10:48 PM #

      Funnily enough, speed dating is something I mentioned in my last blog post ‘ It’s Time To Get Ballsy’. Yep, I hope to check it out soon. Worth a try eh?

  12. Charlene Odetola December 24, 2010 at 3:11 AM #

    I think Jackie Summers made a very good point there….

    ‘The second you settle for less than you deserve, you deserve what you settled for. Embrace imperfections, understand compromise, but never EVER settle!

    There’s no point being with someone that you only feel so-so about……the reason why you go through all the pain, the stress and humiliation is because you want the fireworks, that happy go lucky feeling AND I urge you……DO NOT GIVE UP! Not just because I’m a selfish reader and don’t want you to give up your blog (lol) but do it for us single girls that want to give up but can look at your blog and can say ‘hey, she did it….Maybe I can as well….’
    You are a beacon of light to us all……. you are not ‘punching above your weight’…..you just know what you what…..so don’t SETTLE!
    Rant over 🙂

    • TheSingleFilez December 24, 2010 at 9:40 AM #

      Hey Charlene, thanks for reading and thank you for your lovely comment!

      It’s hard to not question how and why I do things that I do, especially when the results are always so wrong. At the end of the day all I can do is keep on keeping on, right? 😉

  13. Stephen December 28, 2010 at 4:23 PM #

    I see no reason to just settle after all you only get one life and giving up years of your life for someone who will do, will always attract trouble in the end.

    The flipside question is are you sabotaging your relationships subconsciously?

    Are you running an outdated pattern that was designed to protect you in your past, so it was set up for a good reason, but is now just causing problems as your life conditions have moved on?

    What do you think?

    Great post BTW

  14. Lindsay January 2, 2011 at 9:54 AM #

    im going through the same thing! this guy is great, he prolly isnt the most attractive guy ive dated, he opens car doors for me, always wants to spend time together but i dont feel anything for him besides friendship!

    when you get your answer i would love to know what you did, because im tired of chasing all the nice guys away because there is no “spark” 😦

  15. the_FM February 6, 2011 at 3:41 PM #

    I am completely with you and in the same single boat (hey who knew so many of us could fit in here?). Anytime I make mention of my readiness to meet someone and become a twosome, I get slapped with a “you have plenty of men to choose from but you’re too picky” comment from the nearest friend/relative. Which brings me to that scary S word – SETTLING. I’ve gotten into numerous fights over what it actually means, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it has a lot in common with another S word that scares the shit out of me – SACRIFICE. Now, I’m not selfish, I’m a compromiser, I know that in order to work in a partnership of any kind there needs to be a give and take (though – man I love the taking). But to sacrifice the traits and characteristics I desire in a mate, well that is settling – and for what? To continue with a person who doesn’t do it for you (though they keep texting and wanting to meet you again) means that you think it is more important to be with someone- ANYone – than to be alone and single. And I can’t do that. To me – if I am going to be with the person, they have to be someone worthwhile, someone I actually like, not a man that my best friends are forcing me to “give another chance to.” Cause I won’t sacrifice my single self to be with someone who just doesn’t do it for me. It just isn’t worth it.

  16. earlmook April 24, 2012 at 8:30 PM #

    You just answered your own question… Your to dam* PICKY!!!! GRRRRRR!!! Quit it just QUIT IT LADIES WITH YOUR NEVER ENDING lists OR YOUR “NEVER SETTLE” BS!!! Women get off your high horse and realize that your ultra “picky lists” (must be 6′, etc etc etc) actually hurts you more then being reasonable. The “picky lists” only get’s you those D-Bags that your trying to avoid and don’t want an actual relationship with those D-Bags. Gawd women LISTEN TO MEN FOR ONCE!!! When men talk about the hight issue we don’t mean that you should go for the midgets and super short guys but men in the 5’9″, 5’10” is PERFECTLY FINE and with shoes on we are near 6′ anyways. Losen the eff up on your “requirements”.

  17. Suzie May 18, 2012 at 2:10 PM #

    I’m so glad I came across this. I can so relate to this and I feel your pain. So many guys ask me out but I just get that magical feeling of being drawn to him. I’m trying to be less rigid these days and keep the faith that I will run into a guy for whom I won’t have to “settle”. Keep believing ladies! It will happen for us!

  18. Brooke September 18, 2012 at 9:19 PM #

    Gahhh I seriously thought I was alone on this one. I absolutely DESPISE the word settle and in my opinion, I think that half the people that are in relationships are just settling because they don’t want to be alone. I don’t know about you guys but I would rather be alone then settle. To me, settling means wasting time that you’ll never get back. I want to feel that spark, but I want it to be a mutual spark. HA not a spark that me, myself, and I only feel. ONE problem that I have come to realize with myself (and maybe some of you have the same problem) is that those few times I have felt the butterflies, the sparks, almost like a school-girl crush, I seem to always FAIL at letting them know. Supposedly (and Ive been told this) I am really good at making it look like I do not care and have absolutely no interest at all. I dont even know how I do that. So when I think that I am sending this guy signals and blah blah, I’m actually not. But I am confident that one day all this waiting will be worth the wait, and that is what keeps me going. I mean if I have waited this long? What The Hell! and another quote that I stumbled upon a few years ago. “Someday someone will walk into your life, and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else” GOOD LUCK LADIES!

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