Something in Common or Opposites Attract?

As mentioned at the end of my last post not only was I going on my first date kinda-sorted organised by my Personal Dating Agent, (she found him but I was the one who got it to ‘date stage’), but it was also my first date in bloody ages. After East End Boy last August I knew I had to disembark from the dating-merry-go-round for awhile. Six Plenty-of-Fish-free months later, I’m ready to jump back on again.

Who Is He?

George Lamb - 32, Silyer & Foxy.

The Silver Fox – so called because at only 38 years old, he’s already got the whole grey hair thing going on. Luckily it’s in a nice way. He’s not old enough to be compared to actor George Clooney, but not young enough to be compared to TV personality George Lamb. Either way, he’s cute AND grey and was someone that my Personal Dating Agent Natasha found on Match.com. She winked at him and he replied with a message.

The way the PDA service is supposed to work is that Natasha messages guys on my behalf and when it gets to date stage – she passes them over to me. Except in this case I was intrigued by what I saw and I couldn’t help but to reply to his message myself. Here started a daily conversation exchange which, after a week and a half, resulted in him asking if I’d like to go out for drinks.

Do Black Women Get The Short End of The Dating Stick?

Married outside of their race: Greys Anatomy's Justin Chambers with his beautiful wife Keisha

Last month in an interview with Vibe magazine actress Regina King (Boyz N The Hood, Jerry Maguire, Empire of the State) said she believed that more black women should date outside of their race and it got me thinking. It got me thinking about how I’m one of the women she’s talking about. I’ve always been one of the “I want me a brother” types but different to the majority of her friends that she’s referring to, I’m actually trying dating outside of my race right now. Since starting this blog I’ve dated an English guy, an Italian guy and I’ve tried dating an Irish guy too (emphasis on the word tried!). So yes, I’m being more open than I’ve been in the past. Does that change the fact that, deep down, I still hope that my Mr Good Enough/Mr Right turns out to be black? Hmmm, probably not.

However, I accept the fact that in this day and age black men don’t seem to feel the same way. Just last week the New York Times reported a new study that shows more and more black men are marrying women of other races. In fact, in the US, more than 1 in 5 black men married a non black woman in 2008. The article also says that sociologists said the rate of black men marrying women of other races further reduces the already shrunken pool of potential partners for black women seeking a black husband – well, no shit Sherlock!

Married outside of their race; Heidi Klum and Seal. I adore these two!

 

To me, these figures are eye-opening, but then I happen to think black women are rather fabulous (but then again, I am extremely biased!). A month or so ago, via Twitter, I come across a TV programme that was broadcast on American News network ABC News. A ‘special’ entitled “Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find A Man” (the issue I have with the title of the show is immense, mammoth, colossal even). The show quotes a recent Yale study, which says 42 percent of African-American women have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women. That’s double the amount! Here is a YouTube clip from the TV special, featuring a bunch of intelligent, beautiful black women talking about how hard their search to find a man is. Ya just gotta love Steve Harvey. He always makes me laugh, “All y’all are fine. Hell, who don’t wanna go out with y’all?” So damn true, they’re all gorgeous! Check out the clip.

One of the women in the YouTube clip talks about black women not being as coveted as women of other races and I think she has a valid point. In mainstream society, when you look at the famous women men lust over black doesn’t seem to be seen as beautiful. In recent years with the success of black music artists such as Beyonce and Rihanna and actresses such as Halle Berry and Zoe Saldana it’s better than it was say, 10 years ago, but still we’ve got a long way to go. For example, this years FHM top 100 sexiest women list voted for by men all over the UK contains just five black women. Yes just FIVE black women out of 100! Are we really considered that undesirable?

The five black women included in FHM’s Top 100 Sexiest Women list 2010

#24 – Zoe Saldana
#43 – Rihanna
#64 – Beyonce
#75 – Alexandra Burke
#98 – Rochelle Wiseman (from The Saturdays)

(Honourable shout out goes to Indian beauty Frieda Pinto who was listed at #97)

British footballer Jermain Defoe. Always with women; none of them are ever black.

Most of the statistics mentioned in this post so far come from the US, but even so, here in the UK I can totally relate to what the women in the video clip are saying. The Sunday Times reported that Britain has the highest rate of interracial relationships in the world and it’s been reported elsewhere that by 2020 the mixed race population is expected to become Britain’s largest ethnic minority group with the highest growth rate. According to the 2001 UK census black British males were around 50% more likely than black females to marry outside of their race, so where exactly does that leave us?

Ultimately, I LOVE love. I’m a big fan of love in all of its shapes and sizes. I love that falling love happens with whoever you fall in love with, regardless of skin colour. Who I tend to be more weary of, are people who point blank refuse to date within their own race. I know plenty of black guys who specifically avoid black women, my Uncle is one of them. My whole life my Uncle has only dated white women. The woman he has settled down with is part of our family, I love her to bits and my beautiful cousins too. Do I wonder what exactly my Uncle has had against black women all of his life? Yes, of course I do. My Uncle grew up looking up to my Grandma, my Aunties so why did he never consider a black woman to be a suitable soulmate? Maybe one day I’ll pluck up enough courage to ask. On the other side, I have numerous white girlfriends who only date black men. They won’t even give a white guy the time of day. What is up with that? How can you exclude a whole race of men? Especially when its the same race that you belong to?? Just doesn’t make sense to me. Personally, yes I tend to be attracted to black and mixed race men first and foremost but if I happen to fall in love, physically and mentally, with a white man, an Indian man or whoever… then hoo-bloody-ray for me!

The black couple – becoming extinct?

This is a controversial subject to write about but one that I think is worth bringing up. It’s definitely relevant to what I’m going through at the moment, if I had been more open to dating outside of my race earlier in my life, maybe I wouldn’t still be single at 33? Who knows eh? One thing I do know is that the recent spate of articles such as Vibe and the New York Times has got me thinking about black women and how we are being perceived out there, by the media, by our own black men and by the world at large. I wonder if these views are played out on dating websites. It would be interesting to know the percentage of replies a black woman gets compared to the amount of replies a white woman gets on these sites. All of the recent coverage seems to be aimed at black women specifically, which just doesn’t seem fair to me.

Is “Nice” Ever Enough?

I had another date over the weekend. A “coffee date” with a cute Italian guy from POF. “Coffee date”? That’s a new one for me. A date with no alcohol involved? According to Coffeedate.com it’s “a relaxing way to meet someone new without having to give up a whole evening”. Hey, that works for me.

Who Is He?
‘Italian Guy’ is someone I’ve been speaking to for just over a week on POF. He’s 33 (yay, someone my own age!) and he’s been in England for one and a half years. He lives in a town outside of London and told me in a phone conversation before the meeting that he doesn’t actually ‘like’ London, its “too busy, too crowded and there’s too much confusion”. Considering how much I absolutely love London, that’s kinda a major sticking point from the get go.

We had a phone conversation a couple of days before meeting and he seemed nice enough. Conversation flowed, we laughed and all was hunkydory until I mentioned I was hoping to get my hair done on Sunday he asked “will you be having dreadlocks?” Huh? What? Yes my dears, it was time for my ‘WTF face’. Why would he automatically suggest ‘dreadlocks’? I really hate to play the race card, but it is blatantly because I’m black. You think he would have asked that if I was white? I understand that not everyone has been educated on ‘afro hair’ but seriously dude! Anyway, that hiccup aside, the phone conversation was nice enough.

The Positives
– He’s 33 years old, the same age as me. I was hoping it means he’s more mature and that there won’t be replays of “Pussy Boy” and “Mr PAYG”.
– He looked cute in his profile pic, always helps.
– He’s Italian – quite liked that, something different right?

The Negatives
– Doesn’t like London. This could be a problem
– Only one photo on POF which is a pet peeve of mine. A head and shoulder shot doesn’t exactly give a clear picture of who you’re talking to.
– The ‘dreadlocks comment’ irked me. I won’t lie.

The Date
The date nearly didn’t happen thanks to London Transport’s weekend engineering works and to be honest I wasn’t particularly fussed either way. Sounds harsh I know, but I wasn’t hugely excited about the date. I went along anyway and had a nice time. ‘Italian Guy’ was sweet, polite, very stylish (Italian shoes, jeans, Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt, expensive looking sunglasses) and had a sense of humour. It all went okay, nothing to get excited about but nothing horrible either. Nice guy and good conversation however I wasn’t thinking ‘wow’ and I wasn’t thinking ‘yuk’. He’d like to meet up again but sparks didn’t fly as far as I was concerned.

Is “nice” ever enough? Generally chemistry happens quickly with people who are meant to click, so if you don’t feel the spark of something special within an hour or two is it likely that you might not ever?

No ‘Penis Size’ Talk On The First Date Please…

 

Date Night - I had TWO this weekend!

Things have moved along considerably since last week, that’s for sure! Can you believe I had two dates this weekend? How’s that for progression eh? For now though, lets concentrate on the first one.

Who Is He?
Let’s call him “B” shall we? B is 27 years old (I told you before, younger guys are drawn to me like a moth to a flame) and he winked at me on DatingDirect.com a couple of weekends ago. I checked out his profile and liked what I saw and read. Looks wise he’s almost like a younger, slimmer, green-eyed version of Kevin Federline. (Ssh now, you know at one point you thought K-Fed was kinda hot too!)

The Positives
– He had a great profile; well written, interesting, honest and really just quite sweet.
– He initiated contact via messages on DD and didn’t beat around the bush, inviting me out for a drink the very first day of talking.
– When he actually called me, it was out of the blue. Nice touch. None of the nerves, anticipation and staring at the phone that’s usually involved when “I’m going to call you at xxpm” is said.
– The phone call lasted for approx 45 mins, no awkward pauses, lots of laughter and common interests found.
– Sent me a text within five minutes of our first conversation to say he enjoyed speaking to me. (Nice follow-up tactic).
– Text me the next day to say he just thought of me and he hoped I was having a nice day (at this point a tiny red flag popped up, but I’m still trying to be nice here).

The Negatives
– The random ‘thinking about you’, ‘hope you’re having a nice day’, ‘just wanted to say hi’ texts started to annoy me after, about the second day – Dude, we’ve only spoken once and we haven’t even met yet!
– He called me whilst I was at The Back-Up Plan screening even though I had told him in the previous nights conversation that I was going to be busy – Bug-a-boo alert!
– Referred to me as ‘honey’ and ‘baby’ in text messages. Please note there is nothing wrong with this, once you’ve already met and you’re dating someone at least. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an affectionate person, I am. I naturally call my friends ‘hun’, ‘love’, ‘sweets’ etc BUT BABY? That’s so much more personal and intimate. He doesn’t know me ‘like that’!
– On date day, I text asking for his surname (Ladies, ALWAYS give a friend the details of your date. Safety first at all times!) and in his reply he asked for mine, Which when he received he text back saying “Lol, they go well together!”. Cue the first ‘WTF? face’ of Date Day.

The Date
So bear in mind that thanks to the minus points above, I was already feeling more than a bit apprehensive about going on this date. However, I convinced myself to suck it up and get on with it because a). It was something to do on a Friday night. b). He might not be so annoying in person c). It’s something to write about!

So, apart from bumping into an old flame and the horrible disapproving stares of every single black guy in the bar, the date actually got off to an OK start. B was on time and he looked nice, he’d obviously made an effort to look smart. However, once we sat down and started talking it confirmed what I had already been thinking in the lead up to the date – this guy wasn’t for me.

However, he made it very clear from the get-go that he was interested in me “you’re beautiful”, “what’s the catch, you seem too good to be true”, “you’re such a hottie” and he also said the corniest thing ever – when telling him how much I love Twitter he actually had the audacity to say “If I was Twitter, would you fall on your knees for me?” Cue the second ‘WTF face’ of Date Day. Dude is seriously strange.

Inevitably the conversation got around to him asking if I’d dated a white guy before. I was honest and said there had been a couple of dates back in 2001 and 2005 but never anything serious. After a bit of talking about interracial dating he decided to bring up possibly the most stupid subject a white guy on a date with a black woman could bring up – the size of a black man’s penis! No, seriously. He actually took it ‘there’. This is what he said to me –

“Obviously black men are known for ‘certain assets’ and I can’t speak for all white guys but, there’s nothing to worry about in that department when it comes to me.”

Cue yet another ‘WTF face’ from me! Where the hell did that come from? How on earth was that even a suitable thing to say? Whether I’m on a date with a black, white, asian, green or purple man – is this really suitable first date conversation?

 

Huh? WTF did you just say?

 

I let him know I felt his comment was totally inappropriate and he obviously took this badly because he said he was going to the toilet and then outside for a cigarette but get this, HE DIDN’T COME BACK!! There I was sat alone in the bar nursing my rum and ginger beer, his half-finished drink across the table from me, messaging my friend on my BlackBerry whilst I thought he was in the loo and I get the following text message –

“Hi, I went to my car to get some cigs and am deciding to go home. It was really nice meeting you but I should have never brought that topic up and feel too uncomfortable to come back. You are a lovely girl and I hope you meet someone just as special! Take care x”

Feel free to join me and make your own ‘WTF face’ at this one. Yes my dears, he went home and left me in the bar on my lonesome on a busy Friday night because he was “too uncomfortable to come back”. Can you believe that shit? Is this guy not the biggest PUSSY ever? My first date of 2010 was the worst date I’ve EVER had! I felt so-oo embarrassed that I sat in the bar for a further 20mins gathering up the courage to get up and walk out alone. However, I refuse to let this put me off of dating white guys OR dating younger guys. I’ve said it before  and I’ll say it again – ON TO THE NEXT ONE!

 

(Date Night Pic: 20th Century Fox)