I Got Issues

16 Aug

I Got Issues
I learnt a lot about myself last weekend. It dawned on me that I’m messed up. When it comes to men and trying to get close to them, I’m severely messed up. I’m scared. I’m scared of them hurting me and making me feel like crap. I’m scared of saying or doing the wrong thing. I’m scared that they’re going to lose interest in me and disappear for no reason. I’m just plain old scared. The thing that is scaring me the most right now is the fact that my ‘being scared issues’ could end up messing up a really good thing.

Obviously, the reason this has all come up is because things are still going well with Older Guy. Really well in fact. So well that, on Sunday, I had a major freak out moment….

Date Number 3
We had our third date on Saturday night and he looked, NICE. I got to the restaurant a little late and he was already sat there nursing a beer when I walked in. My first thought was “Woah, he looks good”. I don’t know what happened with the choice of clothes on date number 2, but things were definitely looking up this time. A casual but trendy Henley’s T-shirt, dark blue jeans and smart dark trainers. Simple, but oh-so-good. Once again, we had a great time. Nothing exciting to tell…lots of laughter and lots of chit chat. The main thing that was different this time around was the fact there was alcohol. And lots of it.

We planned this date the last time we were out and at the time I suggested he leave his car at home so that he could get the train and be free to drink. You know, just loosen up and have fun! I’ll tell you what… he was a lot more comfortable (jokingly undoing the top button of his jeans because he’d had too much to eat, which obviously meant I felt okay to do the same!), a lot more touch-feely (he put his arm around my waist when we were walking to a bar afterwards) and a lot less backwards about coming forwards (there was kissing, lots of kissing!).

We finished off the date at a late night salsa bar. The music, vibes and salsa dancing was pretty awesome but to be honest, we were too busy being ‘into eachother’ to pay much attention to it. He said “he had a good feeling about me”, he said things that referred to the future, jokingly asking if I was sure I didn’t want to go to Barbados with him in October, and mentioning the winter too. Me being as cautious as I am, I took it all in, I enjoyed the attention but at the same time I’m thinking “I’ve heard it all before”. It may sound mean and cynical, but I really have. Every time I meet a guy, they’re all into me, saying how amazing I am and how they can’t believe I’m single etc. Doesn’t stop them acting like assholes and disappearing off the face of the earth with no explanation  just a couple of months down the line does it?

I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and continued to have a wonderful night which ended with him missing his last train and us sharing a taxi home instead…
Errrr, no, we didn’t go ‘there’! We didn’t go home together, as such, I was dropped home first and then the taxi took him home afterwards. One step at a time people, one step at a time…

Can’t Escape My Issues
During our Saturday night date Older Guy and I planned to meet up again on Sunday. Yup, we were going to see eachother twice in one weekend. He said he’d come along to an event I had wanted to go to for awhile. All good until, on Sunday morning thanks to Twitter, I noticed lots of friends talking about going to the very same event. I panicked. I didn’t want to go out with him and bump into people I knew. I didn’t want to have to introduce him to anyone, explain who he was or how I met him. I wasn’t ‘sure’ enough about him yet. What if I introduced him to people and then things didn’t work out? I’d have to put up with being asked about him over and over again, which is what usually happens…

I’ve gotten to the stage where I don’t tell my friends or family when I’m dating. They get too excited for me. They have even higher expectations than I do. I hate constantly having to explain things to them when things go wrong.

Also since attending a dating seminar on Saturday, I had started to have doubts about Older Guy. Doubts that now, I realise were just my own little warped way of ‘protecting’ myself; me making excuses, trying to find reasons to back out, trying to find things wrong with him. “He’s too short”, “I’m not sure about how he dresses” “He’s not that confident (cocky) alpha male type I’m used to”, “Do I really like him, or is it that he was just the best of a bad bunch on POF?”. There was something said in the seminar that made me feel like I wanted to go out and test what they had taught us to see if I could find the man I ‘really’ wanted. Matthew Hussey, the guy leading the seminar asked us, “When did women stop selecting men?” He used the example of how back in the olden days women had perfected the knack of choosing a man and making him do all of work without him realising she was the one who selected him in the first place. The old ‘walk past and drop your handkerchief’ routine, drop your hankie in front of him and walk on as though unaware. The gentlemen (hopefully) would pick it up and return it to you, initiating conversation and feeling like he’d come to your rescue. He said that nowadays women sit back waiting to be approached and when it doesn’t happen… they settle for a guy who selects them rather than being proactive and selecting a man themselves. Is that what I’d be doing with Older Guy? Would I be ‘settling’ just because he was the best guy from POF to get in contact with me? Yep, my brain really does like to indulge in a spot of working overtime, that’s for sure.

I didn’t know how to tell Older Guy that I didn’t want to go to the event because I didn’t want to bump into my friends. That would be plain mean. So, instead, I just asked him if we could do something else instead. He suggested I go to his friends BBQ with him. Say what, now? I didn’t quite know what to say to that one… I think I might have said nothing. As in; awkward, silent, pause. He playfully said “What? Are you scared?”. This got my back up and I replied by saying…. nothing. He said he’d come and pick me up. He said it was a family type thing, kids, bouncy castle etc. I appreciated he felt good enough about me to have me around his peeps but I still wasn’t feeling it. Is it weird I just want to keep it to ‘me and him’ at this stage? Am I being way too cautious in saying I’d prefer to get to know him and feel secure about him before being around his or my friends and family? What felt like the most awkward phone conversation ever ended with me saying I didn’t want to go to his friend’s BBQ and him asking “So, I’m not going to get to see you today then?”. Uncomfortable.

Over-thinking things or trying to protect my heart?...

I felt weird after getting off the phone with him. That’s the moment it hit me; I actually like him. That’s when I realised that my hesitations and my complicated reactions to things that seem normal to him could mess things up. I ended up going to my original event anyway, I went alone and met up with and tagged along with a couple of girlfriends who I knew were going to be there.

But god, I really hope I haven’t messed things up…


18 Responses to “I Got Issues”

  1. lisa August 16, 2010 at 11:34 AM #

    omg!! what a dramatic weekend! so have you heard from him since? x

    • TheSingleFilez August 16, 2010 at 11:21 PM #

      Up and down like a rollercoaster! Yes, I’ve heard from him… saving it for a future blog post 😉

  2. lisa August 16, 2010 at 11:35 AM #

    I dont think you should be so hard on yourself – its good to be a little cautious and its nice you arent too eager in a way xx

    • TheSingleFilez August 16, 2010 at 11:28 PM #

      Thanks hun, nothing wrong with being a little cautious eh? It’s weird – I am eager – eager to spend time getting to know him!

      We’ll see how it goes. Watch this space…

  3. Emma August 16, 2010 at 11:41 AM #

    Oh I so know where you’re coming from, I went through the exact same thing when I met my mister (why do we get so doubtful when good things happen, eh?). Persevere though, sounds like he’s worth it. Maybe just explain to him why you’re so cautious and he’ll hopefully slow it down a bit and go at your pace.

    • TheSingleFilez August 16, 2010 at 11:20 PM #

      I think because I’ve had such terrible luck with guys in the past, that’s why I’m always doubtful and extra cautious when I meet a guy I like. I try my best to wipe the slate clean and start afresh, but find it hard because I worried about being disappointed yet again.

      Good to hear that you’re still with your Mister despite the doubts you had at the beginning! xx

  4. Mary August 16, 2010 at 1:44 PM #

    Really great blog! We’ve all been there with the over-analyzing!!!

    Keep going though as he sounds like a great guy who you are actually pretty interested in?!?

    • TheSingleFilez August 16, 2010 at 10:04 PM #

      Thanks Mary. Yes, I think all of this has made me realise I do quite like him. I will persevere! 🙂

  5. Dragonessa Fiore August 16, 2010 at 2:26 PM #

    Take heart…you’re not alone! I can over-analyze any dating situation to death, its horrible! I know it affects things so I have to make the conscious decision to knock it off 😉

    It really sounds like things are going good though..Date #3 seems like it went great! I totally feel you on not wanting to introduce him to anyone you know right away, on the flip, going to that bbq with him may not have been such a bad thing, you’d get to see a bit more into his life and what hes about…

    • TheSingleFilez August 16, 2010 at 10:03 PM #

      The over-analyzing *is* horrible isn’t it? Why do we do it to ourselves? Half the time all we do is make things a million times worse than what they really are!

      You know what girl? You maybe right about the BBQ. The crazy thing is, if we’d been dating solidly for at least a month or two – I’d have loved to have gone and meet his peeps. I think I just freaked out because it felt too soon.


  6. Elizabeth Rose August 16, 2010 at 2:27 PM #

    Hang in there – we all have our crazy, but the fact you are able to call yourself on it (and then articulate it so well) is huge!
    Good luck x

    • TheSingleFilez August 16, 2010 at 9:59 PM #

      It’s like being an alcoholic.. the first step is to admit you need help 😉

      Thank you x

  7. Sarah Finley August 16, 2010 at 2:56 PM #

    I have so been here – you want to date a guy but suddenly they start going really fast – and its okay if your used to it but when you’ve been single for a while you feel ike you’re being pulled down a raod your not sure you want to go down. Just explain to him how you feel – you like him but you just want to take things slow! He’ll understand and if he doesn’t then maybe he’s not worth it – good luck, let us know how it goes xx

    • TheSingleFilez August 16, 2010 at 9:58 PM #

      It’s definitely a road I want to go down, I just want to be sure it’s a road I want to go down with *him* in particular and of course, vice versa.

      Very true though, if he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from, then he wouldn’t be the sort of guy that I think he is. Good point!

  8. Laydee_TT August 16, 2010 at 6:58 PM #

    I don’t think you’ve messed up anything. If he likes you he’ll understand if you just keep it real with him. Aint nothing wrong with being cautious after only just a few dates. I think if you explain it’ll be just fine. At least you know you like him. Now if you haven’t already pick up that phone and arrange the next date to explain things. Good luck girl!

    • TheSingleFilez August 16, 2010 at 9:53 PM #

      Thanks hun. I agree. Nothing wrong with being cautious. It has only been a few dates after all….


  9. Kerry Hiatt August 17, 2010 at 6:57 PM #

    Sounds as though you had an awesome time! Has he been in touch?? x

  10. Muslim Online Dating | Matt February 16, 2012 at 12:14 PM #

    I wouldn’t go as far as to say that you’re ‘messed up,’ and if you are then you’re certainly not the only one, that’s for sure!

    The world seems to be riddled with people who are always looking for the bigger, shiner, new thing to fill the void in their souls that the materialistic generation we’ve grown up in has created. It’s entirely normal to feel guarded and protective over your heart because, unlike 30 years ago, divorce rates are through the roof and couples come and go more often than the postman.

    That’s not to say love doesn’t or can’t exist, it’s just suggesting that being guarded in this modern day is more the rule than the exception to it.

    Don’t beat yourself up 🙂


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