What’s The Point If I Can’t See The Signs?

31 Jul

Dating: Good, but not good for me

Lately I’ve been wondering what exactly is the point of me doing this whole dating thing? I mean, I know the point of the dating process; to go out and meet with potentials. To assess whether or not someone is a person you want to spend quality time with. If you’re lucky, to be involved in a courtship with someone you might want to spend the rest of your life with. So yes, I do ‘get’ what the point of it is but my question is, what is the point of ME doing it?

I’m 34 years old and I’ve been doing the dating thing for approximately 17/18 years now. Where exactly has it gotten me? What has come of it?

I’ve been dating since I was 15. I’m exhausted! Where is he?” ~ Charlotte York, Sex And The City

I’m obviously not very good at reading men and figuring out how to decipher what they say from what they really mean. Maybe this goes back to the lack of a relationship I had with my Dad as a young girl, or to the fact I never grew up with close male friends or family members. Or maybe not. Who knows? Either way, the person that is before you right now is a person who (stupidly) thinks that when a man shows interest in her, that when a man says they want to see her and spend time with her – that’s what they actually mean. Duh, more fool me.

I have four months left until I’m the big 3-5 but still my ability to understand men, the way they act and the way they think has not improved. So once again I ask, what is the point of me dating?

What my experiences have taught me is that men say one thing but mean something else. But, how does that enable me to trust anything a date says? He might just be saying that because it’s what he’s ‘supposed’ to say. He might just be saying that because he thinks that’s what I want to hear. What’s the point in that? All is means is that I’m wasting time believing a load of crap that just isn’t true.

I need to get better at seeing, reading & deciphering 'the signs'

A commenter on my last post said, “someone mentioned that men should have to wear signs on their foreheads so you know it in advance. To be honest, we do. Everyone wears a sign on their forehead telling the world what type of person they are. You can read it in their behaviour”. Well, stupid me doesn’t see the signs when it comes to dates. Obviously I can spot a blatant dickhead from afar but what I mean is that when I’m interested in a guy and this guy is showing lots of interest in me, I believe it. If they’re making plans with me and showering me with compliments, then how does that ‘behaviour’ tell me that they’re going to bail? What are these signs I’m supposed to see?

This isn’t about East End Boy, it’s about all of the guys who have disappeared without warning. Any date I go on now, when the guys speaks, I’ll be thinking “does he really mean this, or is he just saying it?”. ” Does he really like me and want to see me again, or am I never going to hear from him again”. It’s making me distrustful and cynical, and that ain’t good. It’s not good for my self-esteem and it’s also a huge bloody waste of my time. Therefore, I don’t see the point in me dating right now.

I received some wise words from the lovely Natalie of Baggage Reclaim fame after my last blog post. I’m going to devote time to thinking about those words before I even consider bothering to date again. So please bear with me for a bit, will ya?

21 Responses to “What’s The Point If I Can’t See The Signs?”

  1. John Boy July 31, 2011 at 11:11 AM #

    Imagine for a second that the world is a place where all men behave as you describe when dealing with the opposite sex. In that world whether you were able to see through their crap would be irrelevant – they’d still still be the type of people that aren’t honest with you. If it is that way, then would you even want to invest your time in those kinds of people? Make a life with them?

    If you’re not prepared to accept you live in that world you’ll heal, date, take knocks, rinse and repeat until you win or lose.

    If you do live in that world though, there’s probably no point.

    • TheSingleFilez July 31, 2011 at 9:17 PM #

      Hey John Boy. That world you speak of definitely doesn’t sound like an enjoyable one. I honestly don’t believe that ALL men behave the way that I described – just the ones that I’m attracted to, it seems.

  2. Kiera July 31, 2011 at 8:44 PM #

    None of us are psychic, therefore we’re never going to be able to accurately predict what the actions of another will be. Maybe instead of focusing so much on whether or not the guy likes you, or if he’s going to bail, try deciding for yourself if he’s someone that’s worthy enough to be in your space and if you want to stick around for more. Perhaps that’ll make you feel somewhat more empowered in a situation that offers so much uncertainty.

    • TheSingleFilez July 31, 2011 at 9:14 PM #

      Hey Keira, thanks for reading. Yes, course it goes without saying that I’m also sizing dates up and deciding for they’re someone I’d be interested in having around. That’s what goes into deciding whether I want to see them again or not. The fact that I’m enjoying someone’s company enough to continue seeing them multiple times, means they’re doing a good job of convincing me that they could potentially be worthy.

      However, what I’m saying is that all of this aside, my problem is these guys always turn out to be fakers. They convince me that they’re worthy, when they truly aren’t.

  3. Charlotte August 1, 2011 at 12:17 AM #

    Oy. I know what you mean. I often find myself wondering what the point of it all is, too. Men are incredibly hard to read/understand and yet, they give us the third degree because they say we are confusing! We all have our hangups but I think that women are far more forthcoming in terms of what they want, what they’re looking for, etc.

    Sometimes when I find myself frustrated with the dating scene, I just completely remove myself from the market altogether. They say it happens when you least expect it, right? Best of luck to you, girly!

    • TheSingleFilez August 1, 2011 at 10:42 PM #

      Hey lovely. Thanks for commenting, I totally agree.

      Aaah yes, its good for the soul to remove yourself from the market. In fact, before I started this blog, I hadn’t been on a date for a year!

      I must admit though, I’m not a fan of those “They say it happens when you least expect it”, or “Mr Right will come when you’re not looking” sayings. If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard them in my life…!

  4. Arlene August 1, 2011 at 8:33 AM #

    Taking a break is always good. One needs time of work every now and then, same with dating. Step back, and get some perspective. Also, get hungry again 🙂
    Another thing. Its true that we date men, but for the most part, most of us are only interested in 1 man. I met my partner when i was 36.5, my tongue was hanging out in despair, I had dated to death and had no faith what so ever in the process. All of a sudden, one day, I met a guy who was different from the rest. He did really say what he meant. He didn’t play games and even though his life was totally screwed up at the time, and usually I wouldn’t even look at him because of that (although he is hot) his honesty and openness was like a breath of fresh air to me.
    I fell in love, and we are still together 8 years later. My point is – all men are of no consequence to you. It only takes one, and you will meet him. For me it happened when I put down the check lists and the thoughts of what he must and mustn’t be, and was left with only one request – That with him, I am happy and feel secure.
    And that is exactly what I got.
    Take a break, have some fun but don’t give up. There is someone out there that will make you happy. Trust in that.

    • TheSingleFilez August 1, 2011 at 10:47 PM #

      Thank you Arlene. Such a lovely comment to read! Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside 🙂

      Here’s to you and your 8 years (and still counting) of happiness! I can’t wait to meet my ‘one’.

      • my honest answer August 2, 2011 at 9:42 AM #

        Arlene is so right. Once you meet the guy for you the rollercoaster ends. You’re not worrying about whether they’ll call, whether they mean what they say, because you’ll be so into each other you won’t doubt it all for a second.

        And you know what? You’ll start having to read dating blogs because everything will be so lovely and comfy with your new man you’ll need to get your excitement elsewhere!

        • TheSingleFilez August 3, 2011 at 11:37 AM #

          I hope so! I really can’t wait for the day that I feel settled enough to have to get my dating kicks and live vicariously through others 😉

  5. lisaven August 1, 2011 at 12:50 PM #

    thats Charlotte quote is brilliant – my fave!x x

    • TheSingleFilez August 1, 2011 at 10:45 PM #

      Hey hun. Yes indeed, ya gotta love a Charlotte York quote!

  6. CM_Writer August 2, 2011 at 11:57 AM #

    My blog is entirely about getting insight on men. Often men say exactly what they mean at that particular moment. The issue comes when more is read into it than is meant. Just because someone wants to hang out with you and enjoys your company, does not necessarily mean they want anything more serious than just that. And the guys rarely just “vanish” there is a reason for the disappearing act. Sometimes they feel pressure and leave before things get too deep. Sometimes they have other situations going on and come to the choosing point. You typically don’t get answers to questions you don’t ask, ya know?

    • TheSingleFilez August 2, 2011 at 3:39 PM #

      Us women say things that we mean at that particular moment too, and hey just because a woman wants to hang out and enjoys a guy’s company, it doesn’t mean that we necessarily want anything serious either. Male or female, those points you made go both ways. Just because I had enjoyed two dates with East End Boy, and was looking forward to the third, it does not mean in any way that I was thinking about getting serious with him. No Siree!

      And, of course there is a ‘reason’ for the vanishing act. I’ve never doubted that, with this guy or with any of the others. However, whatever the reason maybe, the disgusting thing is that none of these guys ever do the decent thing and SHARE it with the other person involved. Always leaving us to wonder what the hell just happened.

  7. TurnJacson August 2, 2011 at 6:54 PM #

    Dating is a huge farce… LOL

    Great post

    • TheSingleFilez August 3, 2011 at 11:38 AM #

      Indeed. If I had known this 10 years ago, I would’ve suggested my parents sort out an arranged marriage for me. Or something!

  8. boobyprize August 3, 2011 at 12:15 AM #

    Noo, you can’t give in!! With that said, I often say I can’t be bothered with dating anymore – I totally hear you with the cynicism thing. It *is* exhausting, and sometimes there’s nothing left to do but to ask yourself “what is the point?!”.

    I don’t think it’s so much about reading signs – as you well know, guys often give off all kinds of positive signs that they are into us. We are not mind readers, and anyone would take giggling, kissing, planning future dates, etc., as sure-fire signs that these guys are into us! If/when they flake, it sucks, and it leaves us questioning the rest of the male population out there… but I guess we just can’t judge them all on the guys we’ve met and haven’t worked out with.

    It’s ridiculously hard to find someone you like, and it’s even harder to find someone you like AND who likes you back (although some people make it seem sickeningly easy…) – but I guess it takes time for those of us who don’t want to settle with the first guy who shows any kind of interest. Take a breather, don’t get worked up over the men who disappear/flake/don’t work out. They ain’t worth it, and they’re doing you a favour by taking themselves out of the picture pronto so you can work on finding the RIGHT guy!

    He will be out there, somewhere…

    Keep your chin up! 🙂

    • TheSingleFilez August 4, 2011 at 10:43 AM #

      Nah, not giving in… just having a break. I’m taking a break to look into why on earth I keep on being attracted to douchebags. Everyone has douchebag experiences at some point in their lives, but for some unknown reason ALL of my experiences seem to involve douchbaggery, and I need to find out why.

      About the ‘reading signs’ thing. Comments I received on the past couple of blog posts talk about looking for ‘the signs’ that I’m dating a guy who is emotionally unavailable, but my problem is I don’t see this signs. I don’t know what these bloody signs are, especially if all these guys do is show me that they’re interested in me. This is the past I can’t make sense of. I mean, if the guy was being standoffish, rude, and generally horrible then of course I’d know he wasn’t interested. However, like you said if he is kissing me, complimenting me, making plans with me – then how the hell am I supposed to know. We’re not mind readers!

      Grrrr, the whole thing is so frustrating and confusing, isn’t it? Thanks for reading hun. As always, appreciate your comment 🙂

  9. Jill August 4, 2011 at 3:26 PM #

    I just turned 30 yesterday and like you, I have been in the dating world a long time. In all that time I only had one long relationship, a few short, and many many dates. But a little over 6 months ago I met the most wonderful person. And I learned something (even though people have been telling me for years). When a guy likes you, you know it. No more games, no more giving you the run around, you just know.

    • TheSingleFilez August 13, 2011 at 11:24 PM #

      Happy belated 30th birthday! Thanks for reading and for commenting, too 🙂

  10. Red Flag Minor August 8, 2011 at 10:00 PM #

    Nice Article.

    While its easy to get frustrated, you never want to go into any date with too great of expectations…

    I agree however, the frustrations of dating often make me wonder…is it the less you seek the more you receive??

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