Are We The Ones To Blame?

28 Jul

Anyone who has read the blog for awhile will know how much I love Twitter. I’ve written many blog posts inspired by Twitter, just for starters – I Heart New York20 Awesome Things About Me and most recently The Modern Matchmaker July Challenge (a challenge which I failed at, btw). This post is also inspired by Twitter but slightly different to the others, this one is inspired by a BAD Twitter experience.

Following the aftermath of things crashing & burning with East End Boy, I used Twitter have a bit of a rant (as you do) and this resulted in a woman who I’d never spoken to before deciding she was going to enlighten me and tell me everything that was wrong with my behaviour towards men.

According to this woman, I need to give myself a reality check and take a good hard look at myself. According to this woman, men’s behaviour is caused by women. Apparently, I am the one to blame because I chose him in the first place. I chose him because I am in repeat mode and I am not learning. The same thing happens to me over and over again for a reason. I need to look at myself and not at others.

She pissed me the hell off. There may have been a hint of truth to what she was saying (lord knows the same crappy shit keeps happening to me) but, who the hell did she think she was? She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know a damn thing about me. I bet she hadn’t even read the blog post to familiarise herself with the situation before adding her two cents worth.

I got into it with her. Another Tweeter, Kim, got into it with her too. She told us both that we need to understand our behaviour and that we ‘project’ something in us that is reflected in men and the way they act. She made my blood boil even more so when she told me to stop getting defensive and told me “listen to yourself, where the FUCK have I blamed you?” (errr, about two tweets ago, beyotch), it was all I could do to not ram my hand through my computer screen and throttle her.

Men’s behaviour is caused by women? WTF? Are men not grown-ups responsible for their own actions? She’s saying that women are the ones who cause these cowardly men to not have the balls to let us know they’re no longer interested?

I know what I think, but what are your thoughts? Are women guilty of  ‘projecting’ something that determines the way a man acts? By not ‘projecting’ ourselves in the right way are we inviting them to act like complete assholes? If guys make us feel crappy should we turn around and look at our own actions? Or, like my Twitter friend Judy, do you think it sounds like the sort of excuse douchebag men use in domestic violence situations – “but she made me do it!”

Share your thoughts…

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28 Responses to “Are We The Ones To Blame?”

  1. boobyprize July 28, 2011 at 1:23 AM #

    I had to laugh when she said “where the F*** have I blamed you?” when she’d said, about 15 minutes before, the actual words “it’s your fault because…”. Oh man!

    I actually thought of the same thing re domestic violence. What makes what she’s saying any better than girls who get raped “because she was asking for it”…? That kind of thinking is actually dangerously destructive.

    This woman’s work is apparently all about helping people build their confidence to get ahead in life (from what I gathered from the two minutes I bothered to look at her website, anyway). Well, I don’t really think going around telling women she knows *absolutely nothing* about that it’s their fault that men disappear on them is a great way to give people esteem in themselves. The whole thing is totally ludicrous.

    Is the whole concept of free will and independent thought entirely alien to her? People don’t do something because of an “unconscious projection”. They do it because they make a conscious decision to! The idea of this “projection” and the amount of times she used the word confirmed to me that it’s some spiritual basis – and I’m very much grounded, and believe in things that are REAL, thankyouverymuch!

    On the other hand, I guess maybe there is something to learn from these occurrences. Maybe we do choose the wrong guys, maybe we say/do something or act in a certain way that we don’t realise, maybe if we’d done this or not done that or phoned them more or phoned them less, they’d have stuck around. At the end of the day, we can ask lots of things, and pull ourselves apart wondering what the hell we did wrong. But that is not healthy, and it’s not right! We’re out there putting ourselves on the line, just being ourselves. We CANNOT take responsibility for men failing to return our calls or bailing on dates. It’s damaging.

    We just know we did nothing wrong. A guy may have one of many reasons for disappearing, and even if it was something within us that turned him away, but that still does not make it our fault, and we must try to believe that! And our fault for him not bothering to give an explanation? Pur-leeze. That’s utter crap. He’s just a cowardice toerag!

    • Karen July 28, 2011 at 10:22 AM #

      Interesting the mention of domestic violence. I just came out of a very violent relationship – my first ever violent relationship, it lasted over four years. Luckily I did a course for women who have been abused, because every single man I’ve dated since I split with my abuser has shown the early warning signs of being an abuser too – which I spotted due to the course. This has meant that now I am not dating for a while, because I think they see a vulnerability in me, signals that I’m not aware I’m giving out. I’m not saying they pick me consciously since I am very careful to not talk about what has happened with potential dates. I think it is just me. I don’t think it is my ‘fault’, but I think I am not healed, and until I am I need time alone.

      I also know that though I consciously try to pick nice men, they always turn out to be stalkers/abusive/both. I’m not convinced this is coincidence. Again, I’m putting it down to being not healed from my previous relationship. I kind of know the rut the woman spoke of. But I don’t think that ‘looking at myself’ would work, because if I could see why I picked them, I wouldn’t do it; consciously I would run a mile because I do as soon as I see the signs. I think I just have to be alone until I have put this all behind me.

      Not sure packing in dating is the cure for everyone though, particularly as not many women will be feeling as anti-men as I am right now! 🙂

      • TheSingleFilez July 28, 2011 at 12:01 PM #

        Hi Karen. So sorry to hear about your experience. No-one should have to go through that.

        The mention of domestic violence within the post came from the woman on Twitter’s belief that ‘men’s bad behaviour is caused by women’. It left a bad taste in my mouth and reminded me of the excuse I’ve heard used by men who abuse the women in their lives.

        Thanks for commenting though, wishing you loads of luck for whenever you do decide to jump back into the dating pool 🙂

    • TheSingleFilez July 28, 2011 at 11:44 PM #

      Thanks Kim. Thanks for being my fellow crusader in the ‘mad woman from Twitter wars’. She was bonkers wasn’t she? A bit of woman hater. Women are the ones to blame for everything…. weirdo!

      As for the men thing, I 1000% agree with everything you say here “Maybe we do choose the wrong guys, maybe we say/do something or act in a certain way that we don’t realise, maybe if we’d done this or not done that or phoned them more or phoned them less, they’d have stuck around. At the end of the day, we can ask lots of things, and pull ourselves apart wondering what the hell we did wrong. But that is not healthy, and it’s not right! We’re out there putting ourselves on the line, just being ourselves. We CANNOT take responsibility for men failing to return our calls or bailing on dates.”

      Twitter/blogging is great because it brings me into contact with people who truly understand! 😉

    • TheSingleFilez July 29, 2011 at 11:54 PM #

      Hey Kim. Thanks for commenting. Yup, she was a bit of a weirdo wasn’t she?

      As for us and our situation – I too think that, without realising it, we like the wrong guys. Maybe there’s a psychological reason behind it, maybe it’s nothing more than bad luck but either way, if we’re just being ourselves with these guys then questioning whether or not we’ve said or did something wrong. Or wondering if we’ve acted in a certain way that we didn’t realise, or if maybe we’d phoned them more or phoned them less etc is not healthy, at all.

      Personally, I agree with the saying you so aptly used after my last post – ‘boys are stupid, throw rocks at them’ 😉

  2. Connie Esther July 28, 2011 at 1:29 AM #

    While it’s no doubt be true that people project how they feel about themselves and what type of behavior they will accept, ultimately each individual is responsible for his or her own actions. All of that is equally true of both genders. Period.

    • TheSingleFilez July 28, 2011 at 11:53 AM #

      I totally agree with you Connie. Thanks for commenting!

  3. TheProDiva July 28, 2011 at 2:03 AM #

    Wow! Well, I don’t necessarily think that women, or men, should automatically take the blame when it comes to failed relationships. I do believe, however, that individuals tend to be attractive to a certain type of individual who may not necessarily be compatible with them. For example, I know a woman who loves “bad boys,” but she does not accept the behavior that accompanies that type of man. In every relationship she has been in with a bad boy, she has failed. What she does not realize is that while she is attracted to this type of man, this type of man is not really her type. As such, she will continuously choose the wrong mate. This same logic goes for men seeking out the same type of wrong woman.

    In sum, I wouldn’t entertain Twitter beefs. Obviously your nemesis forgot that Twitter is a forum for free expression, and agreeing to disagree is okay and expected. That’s just my 3 cents! Love your blog by the way!

    • TheSingleFilez July 28, 2011 at 11:52 AM #

      Hey there, your comment got me thinking about a workshop I went to last year. It was called ‘You’re Not Going Crazy: He’s Mr Unavailable’ and I’m ashamed to say that it was scary how much of the workshop content I could relate to.

      Wouldn’t it really help if guys wore signs on their forehead, warning us in advance if they’re going to be complete waste of times?

      As for Twitter beefs, meh! 😉

  4. Kath July 28, 2011 at 8:31 AM #

    I think, whether you agree with the theory or not (I do in some way – treat yourself with the level or respect you want to receive – put up with shit, get shit) but the fact is if you put out personal thoughts on Twitter – she is allowed to comment back no? If it’s not for public discussion – keep it to yourself? Not saying I want you to! I enjoy your blog 🙂

    • TheSingleFilez July 28, 2011 at 11:34 AM #

      Hi Kath. To a certain extent, yes. However, anyone with any sort of level of emotional intelligence would know that if you’re going to give a stranger your opinion on something extremely personal to them, you don’t be so damn rude about it. Had it come from someone who I had built a relationship with via Twitter or via my blog, someone who had at least read my blog and knew about my experiences and what I had been through – fair enough. I’d be more likely to take what they say into consideration, as I’d know they have more information to go on to come to an informed conclusion.

      For a complete and utter stranger to come at me in THAT way? Nope, not cool.

  5. Arlene July 28, 2011 at 11:05 AM #

    I don’t twitter and haven’t so haven’t seen the tweets you are talking about, but in no way can you be blamed for someone else’s pattern of behavior. One thing to consider is why “the same shit” keeps happening over and over to you. I like what Pro Diva said about the fact that we are sometimes attracted to what is bad for us. This is the point that you should ponder. Also, keep in mind that each bad match is one closer to a good one 🙂

    • TheSingleFilez July 28, 2011 at 11:43 AM #

      Hi Arlene, thanks for reading. Yes, I have thought about why the same thing keeps happening to me over and over again many, many times.

      I’ve written about it many times in the past too. In the past, I’ve written about everything from having ‘Daddy issues’ to wondering ‘Why can’t I like the guys who like me?’ to looking back at other guys I’ve dated who have disappeared with no warning.

      Believe me, it’s something I consider ALL of the time.

  6. Not the Hero July 28, 2011 at 5:12 PM #

    *!* Male Perspective Alert *!*

    Does a woman’s behavior dictate what a man is going to do?

    Yes, to a point. The same way a mans behavior is going to dictate what you do.

    As people we make decisions based on the stimulus that we have received. Action – reaction behavior.

    This being said, is it your fault? Not really. There is no pointing fingers when it comes to matters of dating and love.

    You may, however, be attracted to the emotionally unavailable. Someone mentioned that men should have to wear signs on there foreheads so you know it in advance. To be honest, we do. Everyone wears a sign on their forehead telling the world what type of person they are. You can read it in their behavior.

    Do some behavioral analysis of the men you tend to be attracted to. I bet they all have similar traits. I’m willing to bet that there is something about the emotionally unavailable that you find attractive.

    It could be like the women that are attracted to the bad boys because they want to reform them.

    I know the type of woman I used to be attracted to, the bat shit crazy ones. I was attracted to the emotional roller coaster type of woman. I don’t know why I was, I just was. After figuring that out, I was able to see the early warning signs in the first couple dates and was able to save myself some serious heart ache.

    As for projecting something onto the men making them do things is a load of bollocks. Men, and women all make decisions for themselves. If we didn’t no one would be responsible for their actions.

    Einstein said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” This applies to dating the same as everything else. If you find you are getting the same results from the men you date, try dating a different type of man.

    • TheSingleFilez July 30, 2011 at 1:01 AM #

      Ahhh, thank you. You know I love a bit of the ol’ male perspective!

      Sure maybe my problem is that, without realising it, I am attracted to emotionally unavailable guys – who knows? I mean, it would certainly explain the conundrum as to why I’ve never had a long term relationship.

      ” Everyone wears a sign on their forehead telling the world what type of person they are. You can read it in their behaviour”. – Nope, men do not wear signs on their foreheads. In fact, in my experience they say and do everything to give me a good impression of themselves when really, most of it isn’t true. This guy, East End Boy, who I’ve been writing about lately. Everything about his behaviour was saying that he was into me. Obviously, that wasn’t the case. So no, I can’t read it in their behaviour at all I’m afraid.

      I wish I could do some sort of behavioral analysis of the men I’ve been attracted to, problem is most of them disappear without a trace before I’m able to really ‘analyse’ anything. Booooo!

      • Kiera July 30, 2011 at 1:19 PM #

        Yeah, some men are obvious and uprfront about their unavailability, and many others lie and pretend like they’re capable of being what you need until it comes time for them to be held to what they’ve been proclaiming…

  7. Natalie July 28, 2011 at 5:19 PM #

    There’s a way to say things & saying that someone else’s actions are your fault & then tweeting you aggressively with the F word & denying that they said it was your fault, is the kind of mind f*ckery that gives me brain ache. There’s a way to speak to people, even through 140 characters. You wouldn’t just walk up to someone who you had overheard a conversation & interrupt it by being saying what they did & then swearing at you when you responded.

    On the subject itself, here’s how I see it:

    You are responsible for your actions & choices. He’s responsible for his actions & choices. That’s life & even if he wants to pass the buck, or the Twitter lady does, it’s not going to happen. His actions are down to him.

    The fact that he is unavailable (I’m seeing some Future Faking & Fast Forwarding) in this situation is a reflection of his character & where he’s currently at emotionally. You could have been The Most Perfect Person On Earth, he’s unavailable. If he hadn’t bailed that day, he’d have bailed on another.

    People don’t revolutionise their personalities into assholery on a person by person basis. “Ooh you’re good enough & like a woman I respect, right, I’ll be nice to you & adapt my emotional style”.

    Your job isn’t to work out why a man who was unavailable & was going to blow hot & cold anyway bailed.

    In being the common denominator to all of your relationships, it doesn’t make you responsible for his actions or all of your relationships but what you can look at is, how available *you* are, do you have a type, what your beliefs are, do you have a pattern & ultimately whether you go out with same guy different package. Basically are you afraid of commitment & when you meet these guys is there a ‘familiar’ feeling?

    Even if you were available, he still wouldn’t have been.

    • TheSingleFilez July 30, 2011 at 1:07 AM #

      Firstly. I love you, Natalie! I could literally listen to you talk (or, read your words) all day long.

      Secondly, I’m going to take the time and really think about and answer the questions you asked me in the last paragraph.

      Not sure if you’re back from your travels yet but coffee soon, please!

  8. TurnJacson July 28, 2011 at 6:37 PM #

    Great post…

    But I ask, if I have the same problem you have with men but with women… then what does that mean??? LOL

    • TheSingleFilez July 30, 2011 at 1:12 AM #

      Thank you!

      Ummm, I think it means that we both have terrible luck when it comes to matters of dealing with the opposite sex.

      However, the woman on Twitter might say that we need to take a good look at ourselves and think about what we project onto others… blah di blah di blah

  9. Marvin July 28, 2011 at 7:45 PM #

    Hi Single Filez 🙂

    I find this post interesting.

    Firstly, I would like to say that I totally understand why you would take grievance with a stranger attacking you without knowing an ounce of info about you to even pass judgment on you and your dating experiences. I think she’s bang out of order.

    As for the point of whether people’s projections Influence how they treat us, I must say I’m a believer of that and from a male’s perspective I have personally and known men personally who confess to treating a woman based on the signals she projects (e.g needy, clingy, lack of boundaries, insecure etc). Now I’m with you that each individual is responsible for his or her actions and that’s the main thing, however people tend to treat people how they perceive that person to see themselves.

    So I think that’s what this woman was trying to say and if so I think it’s a relevant point that every one of us should take on board. I’ve read a few posts of yours over the last few months and have found them very insightful. Keep doing what you’re doing as I think you’re moving along the right path but something tells me this woman has read your blog to make the comments she made but who knows, anyway never mind people will always take pops at you when you put yourself out there, it means you’re doing a lot of things right 🙂

    • TheSingleFilez July 30, 2011 at 11:04 AM #

      Wow, I think this might be a record with regards to the largest amount of male commenters on any of my posts, ever!

      Thanks for reading Marvin, and thanks for taking the time to comment too.

      Now, what you say about knowing men who treat a woman based on the signals she projects, I noticed you only gave negative examples of signals. What if a woman projects positive things? This guy in question told me I was funny, he said he liked my smile, he wanted to spend more time with me, wanted to get to know me etc so the things I was projecting were positive and not negative (clingy, needy etc in fact I was far from it that our 3rd date was moved because I had plans with friends) so what then? If I’m projecting fun, independent positive stuff – why did he treat me in a way that has left me wondering what the hell happened?

      So yeah, in this particular situation, the whole ‘a man treating a woman based on what she projects’ thing, doesn’t make sense to me. Plus, it still doesn’t excuse the fact that he was rude and cowardly and didn’t bother to let me know he didn’t want to date me anymore.

      I don’t think I’ll ever ‘get it’ to be honest… 😦

  10. Nikki B July 29, 2011 at 3:44 PM #

    Hey lady!

    Great post and interesting discussion…

    Of course I agree with both “we’re only responsible for our own actions” as well as “allow shit, get shit” and if you’re attracted to emotional unavailability (e.g. maybe you’ve listened to Hollywood, and you think they’ll change) then you’ll get emotional unavailability. Both are good points I don’t think I need to re-iterate.

    However.

    I would add that I see people treating each other badly all. the. time. Especially when it comes to dating. I have had *numerous* friends (of both genders, but mainly women) say to me the equivalent of “maybe my picker is broken” and, hence, blame themselves (although perhaps more subtly). This feeling is SO prevalent I have to ask… is it something that’s bigger than just us?

    In a world that is ALL about self-promotion, and internet relationships, and connections that are no long face-to-face, and the ability to have anything you want rightfreakinnow… is it a leap to think we’ve lost touch with how to treat one another with respect? That we think The Fade is an acceptable way to end a relationship? That we’re always looking for “something better”? That we bail at the first sign of things that things are not absolutely perfect? Or that our “masks” have become so ingrained in our fucking persona, we forget how easily we made up who we are, with the internet to protect us?

    Further – Hollywood and mass media tell us constantly that “the ONE” is out there. That it doesn’t matter if he or she is emotionally unavailable or batshit crazy. If you are awesome enough (which, duh, you *are* – look at how many twitter followers you have or comments you got on that last FB status!), this person WILL love you enough and, voila! CHANGE JUST FOR YOU!

    Yeah, or not.

    I think there are greater issues at play here, in how we treat one another AND our social relationships AS WELL AS how we view/pursue those relationships and our expectations about them. How we expect other people to act towards us, the reactions we should get, if we are good enough – and it’s alllllll about how *other people* perceive how good we are.

    Um. So now I’m blaming society. Ha. Not exactly. I’m just writing yet another mother of all comments to say… we should all take a minute to step back, slow the fuck down, and take a look at more than just “huh. my picker is broken”. Or worse “huh. YOUR picker is broken.”

    And… yeah, done now. 😀

    • TheSingleFilez July 30, 2011 at 12:10 PM #

      Haha! Always love your comments Nikki.

      Now, in response to your point that in a world that is now all about internet relationships and connections that are no long face-to-face, we might’ve lost touch with how to treat one another with respect and that we think The Fade is an acceptable way to end a relationship. I do think that we, as human beings, have lost a certain something in the way that we communicate with eachother now but unfortunately, my experience with guys who perform ‘The Fade’ precedes the internet.

      My ‘picker’ has been broken for far too long, it seems. Boo.

  11. Emma July 29, 2011 at 5:29 PM #

    WTF! This post really pissed me off…who does this lady think she is? I don’t think I’m to blame for any man’s actions. I don’t blame anyone for things I do. Maybe I should start saying I act the way I do because of men…or does it only work the other way around? Ugh, that woman is ridiculous!

    • TheSingleFilez July 30, 2011 at 11:09 AM #

      Emma, you took the words right out of my mouth! Thanks for reading 🙂

  12. Kiera July 30, 2011 at 1:14 PM #

    I think the idea she was attempting to get across, however ineffective she may have been, was that women, or perhaps people in general, are not totally innocent in the situations they find themselves in. They can’t control what another person does, but they don’t have to encourage them to continue by sticking around for more. People can only do to us what we allow them to do. And if something is “off” within us, i.e. not having enough self-respect, self-esteem, and love of self we tend to attract situations that aren’t that reflect that. Until we take a look at ourselves and figure out what’s going on inside of us that’s causing us to choose the same poor characters and make the same poor choices over and over again and until we fix whatever’s broken, nothing’s going to change. That’s often times how we find ourselves in the same situations with different faces. We can’t expect others to love us or respect us more than we are willing to love and respect ourselves. It all starts with the individual.

  13. Janine August 5, 2011 at 11:10 PM #

    NO. You can only be responsible for your own actions…if you were that powerful to control how people treated you, you’d be a God by now:)

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