Dealbreakers: The Pickiness Factor

22 May

A little while back I saw a tweet from New York blogger Nando that instantly caught my attention. As soon as I saw the title “Are You Too Picky For Love?“, I knew it was going to be a good read. The reason I knew it would be something of interest was because being ‘too picky’ is something I’ve been accused of many times. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I’m too picky my damn self. It’s only to be expected I suppose; a friendly, attractive fun-loving woman gets to the ripe old age of 34 without ever experiencing a long term relationship? Of course being ‘too picky’ is the easiest conclusion for people to come to about why I’m single.

Even though I’m sure my Mum would say otherwise, personally I don’t think I’m ‘too picky’ at all. The word ‘picky’ has negative connotations and I think to be too picky you’d have to find faults in everything and I don’t think that’s me. When reading Nando’s story above, I couldn’t help but laugh. I couldn’t believe his friend let go of a good guy just because he didn’t trim his pubes? I totally get that a bit of pruning is attractive on a guy but personally if everything else about the guy was great, I’d treat him to a Philips Bodygroom shaver thingymibob and just get over it. A bushy crotch isn’t a good enough reason to let a good guy go, is it?

By the time we reach our 30’s most singles have a mile-long list of what exactly we’re looking for in a partner and this isn’t necessarily a good thing. Personally I think that while everyone has their own personal dealbreakers we need to be  more realistic in terms of our wants and needs compared to say, ten years ago. We need to remember the difference between non-negotiable dealbreakers and things we’re just not keen on but that can be easily worked out.

My own personal take on dealbreakers vs being too picky:

Dealbreakers

Ladies Love: Guys who like getting their 'Cool J' on, definitely a dealbreaker!

  • The ‘cheating/lying/player/ladies-man’  guy
  • The ‘always drunk/doesn’t know how to behave’ guy
  • The ‘still stuck in his teens/can’t seem to grow up’ guy
  • The ‘obviously still not over his ex’ guy
Being Too Picky

"No, I don't like your hair David". Imagine what Posh would've missed out on if she'd been too picky.

  • His appearance – clothes/shoes/hair  (You can change that stuff – ain’t that right, Mrs Beckham?)
  • His height – if he’s great, what difference is a few inches? (ahem)
  • He’s balding – he can shave it all off, right?
  • His choice of car – are you planning on spending your life with a vehicle for company?

I hold my hands up and admit that I’ve pointed out silly flaws about dates in the past. I’ve blogged about guys being too short, or wearing jeans tucked into their boots but the difference is I wasn’t saying that I really liked these guys and wouldn’t date them anymore just because of those things. If the chemistry had been right and if they were really great guys whose company I enjoyed, would I have let things like a few inches or bad fashion taste get in the way of a potential relationship? The answer is no and therefore that’s how I know that really and truly, I am NOT too picky at all.

What are YOUR dealbreakers? And when you really think about it, which are negotiable?

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14 Responses to “Dealbreakers: The Pickiness Factor”

  1. Man-shopper May 22, 2011 at 1:33 PM #

    I think that you’re right; it’s important to have high standards about things that truly matter — moral compass, etc. If we hold ourselves to high standards, it’s only natural — if not obligatory — to hold our friends and loved ones to the same standards. I’m reluctant to call them “dealbreakers”, as the word trivializes the importance of these things to couples’ compatibility and to the health of any relationship. If he’s a cheating/lying sonofabitch, then there really is not getting around that!:)

    • TheSingleFilez May 22, 2011 at 10:52 PM #

      Exactly, high standards about things that *truly* matter. Him being a cheating/lying sonofabitch would definitely be one of those things!

  2. Theromanticrealist May 22, 2011 at 6:09 PM #

    Oh .. My mom’s/friends FAVORITE line is ” you’re too picky!” which I always come back with… But if I wasn’t being picky, ie. Wanting to be with men who I actually like, well then I would be SETTLING.

    I find that I do have non-negotiables…mostly that any potential suitor has to have an engaging personality and. Have to be attracted to the,. Major turnoffs include… Shitty personality, liars, and those who can not make me laugh. Yeah, my standards are high, and so my hand is often left with no one to hold it, BUT if I stopped caring about the things tha make me like a guy, well then I’m settling. And I don’t just want any old person to be the one who affects my everyday life.

    • TheSingleFilez May 22, 2011 at 11:21 PM #

      I think there’s having high standards and there’s being too picky – two completely different things.

      I don’t think that wanting to be with men you actually like makes you picky… but if you met a guy you actually really liked but then you decided to not take it any further because you didn’t like his shoes, or that he didn’t cut his nails or whatever… THEN, maybe you’d be ‘too picky’. For now, you’re good 😉

  3. The Hopeful Romantic May 23, 2011 at 2:28 AM #

    When being ‘picky’ is associated with not compromising your core principles and standards I think it is absolutely worthwhile and valid. Hairstyles, clothes etc can be changed courtesy of stylists and input from people who know about that sort of thing…character can not. There’s no use comprimising on character and principles just for the sake of being in a relationship.

  4. Solo @ 30 May 23, 2011 at 5:49 PM #

    I totally agree with you that there is an important difference between deal-breakers and being “too picky.” I think defining what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship or from a partner shows your degree of self-respect. Not dating someone because he drives the wrong car just reflects a superficial like or dislike.

    And while it’s totally natural to have likes and dislikes, they shouldn’t get in the way of being able to see a perfectly wonderful potential partner for you if they are meeting your wants and needs.

    • TheSingleFilez May 28, 2011 at 11:14 AM #

      “I think defining what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship or from a partner shows your degree of self-respect. Not dating someone because he drives the wrong car just reflects a superficial like or dislike.” <— You hit the nail right on the head with this one!

  5. Kelly May 23, 2011 at 9:25 PM #

    This is such a good subject. I think people who want to see singles “coupled up” tend to put them in this category of being too picky, which is unfair and likely untrue. Not everyone you meet is a good match; to some extent it’s a numbers game. There is a difference between deal breakers and being too picky. If you’re refusing to date a guy because of his haircut, that’s a shame and your loss. If you’re refusing to date a guy because he doesn’t treat you with respect, that’s a good thing.

    I think it’s good to examine every now and then what exactly it is that you do want. This helps in dating…if you tend to only go for the six pack abs guys and it doesn’t work (you may or may not realize you’re doing it…so be honest!), try something else. When something isn’t working for you, it’s worth it to explore and see what does. Even someone you aren’t initially attracted to might surprise you.

    • TheSingleFilez May 28, 2011 at 10:59 AM #

      You are SO right Kelly. It’s the first thing out of people’s mouth when they find out I’m single, “I bet you’re just too picky”, blah blah blah. *puts fingers in ears*

      😉

  6. Colette Georgette Ngo Ndjom May 29, 2011 at 3:15 AM #

    I am still in my early 20s but I can totally relate to your post. My friends say that I am picky but I don’t think so, I just have standards. I will not go out with a guy who happens to be a jerk or who doesn’t know how to behave just because he is hot or has a lot of money in his bank account to make me “happy” – like some would think. I want someone special, someone who surprises me, makes me laugh and can hold an intelligent conversation that doesn’t always turn around sex,party,beers and football games. Somebody who enjoys going to museums, read books and yes, stay at home on certain weekends. As for my deal-breakers…

    *his friends. If they are jerks and don’t know how to respect a woman, that probably means that somewhere down the line he is like them…
    *If he is rude to his mother, the only woman he is programmed to show unconditional love for.
    *If he lacks of good manners, cursing every 5 seconds.

    And of course everything you already mentioned in your article.

    Also, I don’t think rejecting a guy just because he is shorter, doesn’t dress well etc is a good reason. All that can be fixed with time. All that matters is his personality.

    PS: I really like your blog 😉

    • TheSingleFilez May 30, 2011 at 11:55 PM #

      Hi Colette, thanks so much for reading!

      Some good dealbreakers you got there. Also I hope you don’t mind me saying but you sound wise beyond your years. You’re defo more clued-up than what I was ten years ago. Good for you, hopefully that means you’ll be loved up with your Mr Right by the time you get to my age 🙂

  7. nikki04 May 31, 2011 at 2:21 PM #

    Like many of the other commenters, I agree with you. There is pickiness, and there are dealbreakers. I’m also one of those whose standards of dealbreakers are pretty high. I just enjoy my world, plus don’t need someone coming in and screwing with it, so standards for entry are significant.

    I can still be picky (*so* not sure about the height thing), but if he/she was great otherwise? I’d overlook those things in a heartbeat.

    I think. I should probably test that.

  8. myhonestanswer June 5, 2011 at 2:54 PM #

    I often think it’s easier to outline what you won’t stand for, rather than what you are looking for. It opens up more opportunities but allows you to draw clear lines.

    This was the topic of a recent post of my new blog, hope you like it! http://www.myhonestanswer.com/2011/06/02/the-potential-danger-in-potentials/

  9. Little Miss Random June 7, 2011 at 10:19 AM #

    I think I can be pretty fussy most of the time, and that’s in everything, not just with men. I was just curious, as no one else seems to have brought this up, but is a kid or are kids a dealbreaker for people? The idea of getting involved with someone with a kid terrifies the heck out of me, and I was just wondering whether anyone else feels this way?

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