How To Kill A Relationship Before It Even Starts

3 Apr

Just the other day my Twitter bud @WendiWrites reminded me that in part two of my ‘Get The Guy’ Women’s Weekend post I promised to go into more detail about the ‘Keep The Guy’ section. I’d completely forgotten that I was going to write about it (thanks Wendi!) but definitely feel I should. This was the part of the workshop that spoke to me the most, because this is the part I always fall down on. You may not see it from reading this blog, but I can actually attract the guys. Maybe not so much recently, but attracting guys never used to be my issue. What’s always been my problem is keeping the guys once they’re attracted.

For instance, there was the guy who lied about who he was and then my whirlwind three month romance that included two international trips, lots of sex and all kinds of promising potential… until he disappeared off the face of the earth.  Obviously I can’t help but wonder if its down to me falling for the wrong type of guy or if its down to something I do or say. For it to happen once or twice is understandable, but for it to happen over and over again, to the point of me being 34 and never having had a long term relationship tells me it could be me. So when dating coach Matt Hussey said this part of the weekend was going to look at the six major factors that often kill a relationship before it gets started, my ears perked right up. Was I finally going to get the explanation I’d been wanting for so long? Was I finally going to find out what it is that I do or say that always seems to kill potential relationships dead?

Here are the six major factors that can kill a relationship before it starts:

1. Neediness
This comes down to not validating yourself – internally. Although I’m guilty of having my own core-confidence and self-worth issues (see 20 Awesome Things About Me) being needy isn’t a problem for me. I’m so used to being single and independent that I’m the complete opposite of needy. I’m used to doing everything on my own, the idea of  ‘needing’ someone else to do is foreign to me.

2. Competitiveness
This one comes down to always feeling the need for ‘one upmanship’. Once again, this isn’t something I have a problem with. I’m quite a chilled out person so being unnecessarily competitive isn’t something that’s in my DNA.

3. Laziness
Possessing the tendency to coast. Being more about ‘waiting’ rather than ‘creating’. I may be a little guilty of coasting and not creating within some aspects of my life but I don’t think its a reason none of my relationships have worked out. None of the guys have hung around long enough for this to be an issue!

4. Taking A Backseat
I can see how putting the other person first would be easy to do when smitten with someone, especially in the early stages when you want to make a good impression but, I don’t think this is something I’m guilty of. I am a considerate person generally,  but I’m definitely not the doormat type.

5. Jealousy
This is a biggie. Jealousy shows insecurity and neediness, neither of which are very attractive. I’m a Scorpio and we’re supposed to jealous by nature, but I do think as I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten better at controlling (hiding) it. I’m not a raving made jealous person, but to a small extent, its there whether its being jealous of Halle Berry’s amazing figure or being jealous that some people find relationships so easily, its there.

6. Over-analysis
This is one I’m guilty of, BIG TIME. However, I don’t know many women who don’t over-analyse when it comes to dealing with a man they like? Over analysing is linked to insecurity, so like with jealousy above I think I’ve managed to master controlling/hiding it. The key is to appear bright, breezy and fabulous on the outside and over-analyse to your hearts content in your head or over a cocktail with your girlfriends!

Although there were a few things I could relate to I didn’t feel the six factors shed any light on the conundrum of my eternal singledom. I’m not perfect, but nobody is. Having flaws hasn’t stopped others from having had relationships in the past, so unfortunately I’m still none the wiser.

What about you? Are you guilty of any of the ‘relationship killers’?

12 Responses to “How To Kill A Relationship Before It Even Starts”

  1. Brooke Farmer April 3, 2011 at 10:53 AM #

    I am SUCH an over analyzer! I think you get to blame that on being a Scorpio too (because at least for me, I am way worse than my other female friends- who are the ones who have to hear it).

    • TheSingleFilez April 3, 2011 at 11:47 AM #

      Ahhh, that explains it! I’ll use the being a Scorpio get out clause too then 😉

  2. theromanticrealist April 3, 2011 at 2:34 PM #

    UHMMM this list completely defines why I am never in a relationship. I kill them all before they even start. I think this list is actually a huge cause and effect web.

    I overanalyze and therefore I —-> become jealous, needy and competitive.

    Damn. When does the post on how to break this cycle come out?

    • TheSingleFilez April 3, 2011 at 4:24 PM #

      I love this, “I overanalyze and therefore I —-> become jealous, needy and competitive.”

      It makes total sense! The whole thing can be such a vicious circle.

      • theromanticrealist April 3, 2011 at 10:28 PM #

        thanks! 🙂 it is a TOTAL cycle and therefore it is self-created insanity – which I am currently going through.


  3. Dazediva April 3, 2011 at 3:30 PM #

    Hmmm I’m NOT any of the above. Maybe if I had to pick one – ‘competitive’ but never in a relationship (although I will smirk if I’m right all along). I’m a go-with the flow person – and an Aquarian to boot – so I tend to be super chilled out.

    Never had a boyfriend complain that I over-analyze things. I had one boyfriend tell me that he was upset that I never seem to get jealous.

    So what the hell have I been doing wrong for the past 3 years since my move to India ? Maybe I took a back-seat after the first few convos with guys ?

    Great post !

  4. Man-shopper April 3, 2011 at 7:49 PM #

    Hmm, I think that most of us have a little of all of this in us. The worst for me is probably over-analysis, but thankfully I try to keep that to myself and my girlfriends. If I can’t unload on my girlfriends, I just drink heavily, that usually does the trick 😉

  5. Wendi B April 4, 2011 at 8:39 PM #

    I am definitely guilty of over-analysing, but when you have high expectations and hope, or just hope generally, I think sometimes you can’t help it.

  6. somethingshedated April 30, 2011 at 8:31 PM #

    At first when I was reading the list and got to #2 Competitiveness…I was like…not me…(particularly with sports I’m always the “let’s just have fun everybody gets a turn” kind of person). That being said…I fully just realized this is me. This is a HUGE flaw of mine.

    The competitiveness shows itself in ego. As in…I have to be the more nonchalant one in the dating. I have to be cooler, more relaxed, breezier aka a brick wall lol. See the thing is my biggest fear isn’t being hurt in the sense that I care about someone and it’s either not mutual or it is and then they take it away. I’m afraid of looking like a fool. Like so many other ridiculous girls on lifetime movies and in Rom Coms.

    And #6. But I blame science. And logic. And always wanting to know the answer to something. lol. Or at least that’s my excuse. But in my defense I over-analyze EVERYTHING in life…not just dating 😉

  7. Ellen Walters October 31, 2011 at 10:02 PM #

    Im really worried I signed up for Matt Husseys Get The Guy and already before Ive got there he’s trying to sell me one to one coaching for even more money! Im getting the impression he doesnt have the answer to anything and the above just seems to be repeating what others have said, nothing new there.

    Ive been treated really badly by one of his staff, who explained to me on the phone his ignoring my (4 emails, so not a lot) wasnt and I quote ” a problem”, well it was a big problem for me since Id already paid for the weekend! I really wish I hadnt, he obviously doesnt know the first thing about women or how treat people with respect full stop, this is one of Matt’s staff to clarify.

    So wish me luck if I could cancel I would but Ive left it too late! And Ive heard they promise to refund but dont actually?

  8. Cory January 23, 2012 at 7:07 AM #

    I have 5/6 of those problems. I’m a scorpio too.

  9. Sally April 9, 2012 at 7:36 PM #

    Ellen – did you go on the course – how was it? Yes they too also didn’t respond to my 2 requests for a consultation – didn’t get much of an apology once I got the call….

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