Do I Keep Dating Him, Or Not?

21 Nov

I knew that last week Friday’s date with T.B., was going to be a hard act to follow but with other dates already in the diary, I had to keep on keeping on. After my first date with The Chatty Policeman I hadn’t planned on going out of my way to see him again but, he had other plans. He kept the text conversations going and, bless his heart, he surprised the hell out of me with a lovely text message on my birthday. He wanted me to let him know when I was free so that he could take me for a birthday meal. That’s how our dinner date last Tuesday came about.

So, here’s the thing. The Chatty Policeman is sweet and he proved with the birthday text that he is thoughtful too. But I can’t get around the fact that there was a reason I was ready to write him off after one coffee date. That reason was that he didn’t ‘do it’ for me. I didn’t feel excited about him. You usually just ‘know’ about these things, don’t you?

Problem is, on our second date, he said that he’d told his Mum about me (huh? what? already?) and then when I got home he text me saying he’d like to see me again soon. Oh dear.

Courtesy of @YourTangoHow Do You Let Someone Know You Don’t Want A Second Date? (or in my case, third)

Courtesy of @DateHaterBlogHow To Break Up With Someone (not quite the same, but the advice is still relevant)

I’m not the best when it comes to letting someone know I’m not interested. This is mainly because I don’t like knowing I’ve made someone feel hurt but, also because since reading up on ‘Mr Good Enough‘ and deciding that I need to ‘date outside of my type‘, there is a part of me that thinks maybe I need to give these things a chance. What if something were to ‘click’ further down the road and he ends up being ‘the one’? I sometimes think I’ve dismissed too many perfectly nice guys in the past all because I don’t feel instant chemistry. Because I don’t get butterflies in my stomach. That’s what I want. That’s still what I’m looking for. I’m more than happy with the idea of ‘Mr Good Enough’, I mean, who really wants a ‘Mr Perfect’ anyway? But is it wrong that I still want a little bit of the fairytale feeling? Can I be blamed for still wanting the fireworks with my Mr Good Enough?

Do I keep dating him, or not? My sister says I should. In case he grows on me, in case something changes that causes me to see The Chatty Policeman in a different light. But is that fair on him? Won’t I just end up going down the exact same route I went down with Older Guy?

Oh and I still haven’t replied to his text yet, HELP!


22 Responses to “Do I Keep Dating Him, Or Not?”

  1. Veronica November 21, 2010 at 12:46 PM #

    I think you’re right to write this one off honey. You just know when there’s no potential there and it’s a waste of time for both of you to keep on with it. On to the next!

    • TheSingleFilez November 21, 2010 at 3:23 PM #

      Hey Veronica. Thanks for commenting.
      “On to the next!” <— That's become my mantra


  2. Skye Blue November 21, 2010 at 2:20 PM #

    Hmmmm…I’m usually all for giving guys a chance to see if you will click with them down the road. That said, when I read the words “In case he grows on me…” I think I actually convulsed and thought about fungus – which nobody wants to have growing on them.

    My advice? Take a pass on T.B.

    • TheSingleFilez November 21, 2010 at 4:15 PM #

      Ooops. A fungus analogy is never a good thing, is it?

      P.S. I’m obviously writing about too many guys, this one was The Chatty Policeman 😉

  3. machecazzodici November 21, 2010 at 3:13 PM #

    at this stage you need to be asking yourself only 2 questions;
    – does he make you feel good when in his company?
    – would you object to letting him touch you with his dumbstick?

    If the answer to either is no, then drop it. Otherwise, why on earth not continue? It shouldn’t stop you continuing to date others, and as long as you’re not duplicitous about it, you’re not doing anything wrong.

    • TheSingleFilez November 21, 2010 at 3:19 PM #

      Hey hun. Thanks for commenting!

      Answering your questions: his company isn’t terrible but I did cringe when I read “would you object to letting him touch you with his dumbstick?”.

      The whole cringing thing? Not a good sign.

  4. sparky November 21, 2010 at 4:37 PM #

    I think definatley let this one go, after two dates if you’re thinking of only dating him in case he grows on you … I don’t think he will! Just think after more dates, it will be even harder to tell him you’re not interested!

    • TheSingleFilez November 21, 2010 at 10:30 PM #

      Soooo true! I always find it hard to tell a guy that I’m not interested, whatever stage we’re at. Wouldn’t things be a million times easier if we were automatically interested in those who were interested in us?

      It’s hardly ever the way though… 😦

  5. MoneyMaus November 21, 2010 at 5:07 PM #

    I agree with a lot of the other comments! I try to give a guy three dates to grow on me…but in the past things just faded into nothing after 3-4 lackluster dates anyway. If I’m not EXCITED after the first or second date, then I know it won’t be worth any effort. Trust your gut. And good luck! 🙂

    • TheSingleFilez November 21, 2010 at 11:16 PM #

      All of today’s commenters seem to be in agreement!

      Some things just can’t be forced eh? At the moment, I wonder if I will ever find someone I will feel excited about again.

      Such hard work…. *sigh*

  6. Dean November 21, 2010 at 5:29 PM #

    Hi TheSinglefilez (first post)

    From a male point of view I am going to have to agree with the comments to move on from this one. From what you have said the guy does not really have you thinking that you want to see him and if thats not the case now it is not going to happean later. By the looks of things he sounds like a safe option but he is not generating much attraction and one other thing the guy broke a golden rule…never never tell tell a women you told your mum about them!

    • TheSingleFilez November 21, 2010 at 10:57 PM #

      Hi Dean

      Thanks so much for commenting. I always appreciate hearing the male point of view. You hit the nail on the head, he sounds like a safe option, which is why I think I wanted to give him another chance. But you and all of the other commenters are right, I can’t force it if its not there. Oh well…. NEXT!

      Oh and yes, the whole mentioning me to his Mum thing… and then telling me about it? Weird.

  7. singlegirlie November 21, 2010 at 11:38 PM #

    Okay, I’m going to dissent from the masses here (as is often the case). I’ve been in your exact position many times. I dismissed guys when there was no instant chemistry. Then I tried to give guys a chance and date them for a little while to see if chemistry developed. It worked for two of my very good friends, who are now married to the men they didn’t initially care for. But it didn’t work for me. I’d give guys a chance, sometimes even five or more dates, but it just didn’t work out.

    But then came Tom. I didn’t feel chemistry on our first date. At all. He was easy to talk to, but I didn’t really want to kiss him. On our second date, we had fun, but I had to get drunk to kiss him. And it turned out to be a pretty nice kiss. And by the third date, well, he totally did grow on me and now we’ve been dating five months.

    So I guess the moral of the story is that just because you gave the last five guys a chance and no chemistry developed doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give the next guy a chance. Giving someone a chance is really just getting to know them better so you KNOW you’re making the right decision if you decide not to date them anymore. I don’t think three dates means you’re leading someone on. You’re just trying to see if you like him, and isn’t that what dating is about?

    If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t. That’s okay. I know it’s hard to let someone down, but it’s really not that bad after you’ve done it, and both of you will get over it.

    By the way, have you kissed him? Sometime you find chemistry in the kiss…

    Good luck! xoxo

    • TheSingleFilez November 22, 2010 at 11:40 PM #

      I totally get where you’re coming from, I do. This way of thinking is exactly why, if a guy is nice, I will try to give it two or three dates before making any definite decisions. I’ve heard plenty of stories where women end up falling in love with men they weren’t initially excited about.

      However, I’ve decided since writing this, I’m really not feeling anything. As for kissing him to see if I find chemistry… I can’t kiss someone that I’m not interested in. I have to feel interested and have that attraction already there to be able to kiss a guy in the first place.

      This one isn’t happening for me unfortunately. NEXT!

      P.S. I’ve been wondering, after five months with Tom, should we still be calling you SINGLE girlie???

  8. shessavvy November 22, 2010 at 3:48 AM #

    I say if you don’t feel any type of excitement with this guy, you should just move on. Otherwise, you’d just be settling for something you don’t really want. Besides if you’re bored or uninterested this early it probably won’t get better over time.

    (Please check out my blog, ours look very similar 🙂

    • TheSingleFilez November 22, 2010 at 11:30 PM #

      Hey there, thanks for reading & commenting.

      After writing this blog post, speaking to a few friends and having a long hard think about things… I’ve come to the same conclusion. Being this uninterested this early on is just not a good sign.

      Oooh, and I had a sneak peak at your blog. Great minds! I like the sound of your blog, l’ll definitely be checking it out in more detail. Thanks for the heads up 🙂

  9. Shar & Mare November 22, 2010 at 10:39 PM #

    I’d say if he’s sweet but not the “butterflies in the stomach” guy then he’s not for dating. Maybe for being a best guy-friend – we all need one or two of those!

  10. Kelly November 23, 2010 at 9:53 PM #

    Good post and subject. My general feeling is that women are too quick to judge dates. They have to feel instant chemistry, which many times doesn’t mean much. How many of these “amazing chemistry” guys actually ended up as LTRs? All I’m saying is, don’t feel the need to give everyone a chance, but if you like him, find him interesting, or wouldn’t mind spending more time with him, go for it. What’s to lose? And when you do things differently, you might be surprised.

    • TheSingleFilez November 24, 2010 at 10:48 AM #

      Thanks for your comment Kelly. I totally hear ya. It’s something I’ve become aware of, and I hate to make a decision about a guy too quickly which is why in the past I’ve gotten caught out having dated a guy 5, 6, 7 times and then finding it even harder to let them know I’m not interested.

      With this particular guy. Not only am I not feeling any excitement about him but I’m not dying to spend more time with him either. So, I’m going to leave this one alone.

      However, you have a very good point. I’ve had ‘amazing chemistry’ with guys in the past… but where are they now? Those guys were usally exciting for a few months and then, nothing. This is an element of my dating life I definitely need to work on.

  11. Skinny Dip December 2, 2010 at 3:48 PM #

    I’m all about following my gut reaction – if I don’t feel the spark NOW, I’m not going to feel it later. For example, if I don’t have the desire to kiss him by the end of the first date (whether we actually kiss or not), I know that I probably won’t later. But, that’s just me – in the past when I have tried to see if the person would grow on me, it never happened.

  12. Something She Dated December 6, 2010 at 11:43 PM #

    I think a lot of it just depends on knowing yourself. Are you the kind of person who “develops” attraction…as in..Jim and Sonya were friends for 7 years but it wasn’t until year 9 when Jim confessed his feelings that Sonya began to see him in a different light and then fell madly in love blah blah blah. Are you a Sonya? Some people are and some aren’t. If you are…keep dating him…if you’re not…ditch and run. But also consider…what is chemistry based on for you…is it purely physical chemistry…is it witty repartee/banter…is it someone who is gentlemanly…blah blah blah you get the idea 🙂

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