Don’t Hate The Player, Hate The Game

11 Jun

I hate The Game. No not the rapper, but the best selling book written by Neil Strauss. Throughout the book Neil, a previously shy dorky journalist, discovers the secret but international community of  ‘Pick Up Artists’, and becomes a lothario who travels the world bedding women who just can’t resist his charms. The ‘PUA’ community is strange breed of men (they actually exist) who liken picking up women to playing ‘a game’. They have rules, they even have a uniform (they think women are like ‘magpies’ and apparently we’re attracted to shiny attention-grabbing clothing. Hmmm.)  and they compare scores, all for the thrill of an army of sexual conquests.  A male colleague gave me a copy of The Game to read and throughout the book I felt repulsed at how these men see seducing women as nothing more than a game. Just bit of fun, a way to entertain themselves, a way to ‘get one up on’ their fellow PUAs and to compare notes and scores. Grrr.

Don't get it twisted: Women can play games too

Ladies, we can have fun and play games too. According to an article  a friend found on Bossip, and sent to me, it seems that men for whatever reason, are often intrigued by “hard to get” women who aren’t afraid to play the trump card and reject a date from time. I’m not one for game-playing personally. I’m too old for that crap now, been there done that. I’m at the stage where I think, if I want like him and want to speak to him, then I’ll bloody well call him! If it’s too much for him and he doesn’t want to hear from me, then he’s definitely not the right one for me. Pure and simple.

That said, I think there are a few grains of usefulness within the tips given in the article. Let’s take a look in more detail:

Don’t be hasty

Bossip says – “Fight the urge to answer a call or text right away! If you’re in the middle of something, finish the task, let him leave message and return his call or text when you can. Don’t rush because every so often, he’s thinking to himself,  “man, why hasn’t she called me back yet?” This way you stay on his mind! He’ll like it. While he’d like to be the apple of your eye, he’ll respect and appreciate that you have an active life.”

The Single Filez thinks – That’s just plain common sense as far as I’m concerned. If you’re in the middle of doing something, finish it. Unless its an emergency, I wouldn’t drop whatever I’m doing just to respond. I definitely wouldn’t be thinking, I’m purposely not going to call him back just to make him think I have an active life. I’d prefer to actually *have* an active life!

Don’t wait around

Bossip says  – “How many times have you set a time with a man and he’s late to either confirm or show up? If you have tentative date for Friday evening and you don’t hear from him at all until after work hours, scrap those plans because “I’ve already made other plans. I didn’t hear from you!” Give him a time cap – if you’re meeting him somewhere and he’s unreasonably late, keep it moving!”

The Single Filez thinks – Hell to the yeah! I agree with this one, not because of the game-playing angle but because of the fact I have no time for guys who take the piss and keep me waiting. It’s annoying and disrespectful. My time is valuable, I don’t like to waste it. If he can’t be bothered to respect that fact, then yes indeed, it’s time for me keep it moving! (See Fit Irish Guy for proof of this)

Offer no details

Bossip says – “If you’ve been m.i.a. or taking your time getting back to him, he might hint around to wanting a bit of an explanation when he says, “I called you earlier . . .” That’s when he’d like you to say “oh, yeah! I was on a conference call” or “I was at the gym.” Instead, try this in an upbeat tone: “yeah, I saw! But how’s your day going?”

The Single Filez thinks – This is far too much like game playing for little ole me. If it takes me awhile to get back to him, then depending on how close we are I may give up the information on what I’ve been busy doing. How does it matter? Whether I was busy because I was out with the girls or busy because I was at a work event – I was still busy right? As far as he’s concerned, I’m still a woman with an active life outside of dating him, which is a good thing. So why the need to lie about it?

Be Unavailable

Bossip says – “You know that friend you have that all but disappears when she gets entrenched in a fresh, new romance only to resurface when it fizzles and fails? Don’t be that lady! Keep those girls nights in your schedule!”

The Single Filez thinks – This one goes without saying really. Whether I’m seeing a guy or not, I’m aaallllll about the girlie nights. Having always been the single girl, I’ve got plenty of friends in relationships. I know what its like to have a good friend disappear because she’s all wrapped up in her new guy so for that reason alone, I’ve told myself that its something I would never do. Any guy I’m dating would need to accept the fact my friends and family are important, I need personal time too!

Keep commitment talks ambiguous

Bossip says – “Of course, in the beginning stages, these questions are bound to come about but don’t rehash every detail of your previous train wrecked love affairs or how ready you are to be in another relationship! Keep it light

The Single Filez thinks – This one is always a tricky one. I’ve learnt from previous bad experiences that its always good to get some sort of idea of what my date is looking for in the early stages. What’s the point of wasting time getting to know someone and then finding out after a month or so that they aren’t even looking for the same thing you are? Obviously you don’t want to scare the dude away talking about marriage and babies on the first date but at the same time, you want to make sure he’s not just looking to be ‘friends with benefits’ and nothing more.

Balance is key

Bossip says – Ladies, of course you must exercise discretion with this. A little bit of mystery goes a long way. Sometimes woman play so hard to get they end up running the man away. That is not the point, you’re playing hard to get to get gotten!

The Single Filez thinks – Haha, this is the problem isn’t it? You play games, you might lose. What if you’re so good at playing hard to get that the man in question thinks ‘she’s too hard to get, I’m giving up and moving on’? What then? A little mystery yes, but don’t be so aloof that he thinks you aren’t interested. I might be wrong, but I imagine men enjoy knowing that they’re liked just as much as us ladies do!

So what are your thoughts? Have I gotten it all wrong? Am I too naive and way too honest? Do I need to sharpen up my game playing skills to succeed in this world of players? Or do you agree that game playing is childish and isn’t needed?


2 Responses to “Don’t Hate The Player, Hate The Game”

  1. delightfuleccentric June 12, 2010 at 12:09 AM #

    I almost never answer the phone when they call or text back immediately, because I’m almost ALWAYS in the middle of something.

    As far as being ambiguous…I do this to some extent. Often, I’ll have “plans.” Those plans consist of me going home and sitting my butt on the couch, but, damnit, that’s what I have planned. No one needs to know that, of course, and generally it’s really not okay in the grand “plans” scheme of things.

    • TheSingleFilez June 12, 2010 at 2:15 PM #

      “Those plans consist of me going home and sitting my butt on the couch, but, damnit, that’s what I have planned.”

      Hey, don’t knock it. A plan is a plan after all. I have a great relationship with my couch too, so I totally get where you’re coming from 😉

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